nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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all sorts of pain

I survived work last nite, and honestly feel twelve tons better than I did yesterday. I even sound less like a frog and more like me :P How lovely is that? Not alot done today, spent the majority of the day roaming round the house and to be honest, still haven't gotten out of my jammies. Go, me. The boys played outside in the cold for a bit, good for them really. Exercise is wonderful. Just not for me today :P

Watching Real TV just a bit ago, and all the while thinking how people who are adrenaline junkies scare me. They put themselves thru a world of hurt just for that high..haven't they ever heard of good sex??? Men who'll wrap themselves around concrete barriers while driving race cars, or motorcycles..boys who skate into facial fractures and broken limbs to get the perfect grind down..and then idiot criminals who'll kill themselves, literally, trying to outrun cops. And I wonder...what kind of woman loves men like these? Are they made of stone? Or just really really strong and able to not chew their nails to the quick worrying about them, and wondering if they're safe? There's a cop at work who's one of these guys. He literally has broken sooooo many bones in search of that "rush". He dates a girl who's substantially younger than he is, and I wonder if that's because it's easier to be stupid while dating someone younger. Maybe she's more understanding of his "thirst" than a woman of 30ish would be...strange.

Yesterday, Valentine's Day, my baby sister turned 7. And I greeted the day with a mixture of emotions. To understand why that is, I'll have to give you a brief background.

My older brother K. is 34. My younger brother B. is going on 19. I'm 27 going on 28. and my lil sister C. is now 7. My mother is an alcoholic twit. I love her, but I don't like what she is or does. And thru out our formative years, and those immediately following, my mother spent the majority of her time not with us. My brother K. was raised by his father who, simply put, is none of the rest of ours' father. I raised my brother B. So C.'s bday was met with a mixture of happiness for her, and a tinge of pain, hurt, sadness and jealousy because this mother of ours, who forgot my birthday the majority of the time in a drunken haze, created a magical moment for my sister. Complete with party, decor, pinata, and cake. That made me wonder, then, why we didn't rate the same treatment growing up. And while I'm glad my sister isn't seeing ALL of the same things we did (she sees the abuse, and alcoholism and the other misc. that comes in that kind of household) I wonder if it's that my mother has aged and is seeing the "error of her ways" or if it's that she knows I'll kill her if she treats C. the way she did the rest of us. I've created an entire different life for my sons, everything she didn't do for us as much as I'm physically able, and she sees this. I just wonder if it's affected her current parenting. I also wondered why we didn't matter as much to her, why it wasn't as important for us to have that kind of situation, or if she just figured we'd be fine without it. So yes, I'm shallow enough to be hurt by it, and yes, I'm trite enough to feel a smidgeon of jealousy but the larger part of me was very happy to see C. happy. That's what bdays are for, right? To feel like you're princess for a day, and incredibly important...and I just wish my mother would see that her children are and always have been, more important than her next drink or the people who make her popular in a bar.

That true happiness can be found at home with the people you love and who love you, not in the bottom of a glass or bottle. And that when it's all said and done, it'll be your family who's going to remember you most, not the alcoholic buddies who were your good-time friends, and if the only legacy you leave behind is the pain and anger and frustration and hurt you've caused, that's not much of a legacy. In fact, it's more a curse.

N.

8:48 p.m. - 2003-02-15

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