nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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I don't wanna be worm food

Today my uncle had open-heart surgery. Triple bypass. And he's only in his late 40's. And today I took my grandfather to an appointment at a veterans' hospital. I was struck. The only way to put it, struck. And disturbed. I'll write more about it when I can make it all make sense.

In going to Gram's this morning I was followed in by an ambulance, lights a-flashing. My heart lodged in my throat and I watched the EMT's proceed me upstairs in the elevator.By the time the elevator came back down and I got up there, they had a teeny tiny lady strapped in.

She looked so scared...and all alone.

There is such a part of me that's afraid of getting old. It's not about vanity, it's about health and other things, like watching those you love die and leave you behind. It's about seeing your life fading and then facing the fact that at some point, you won't be part of it anymore. And something about that really scares me.

I've heard those devoutly religious people say that they have no fear because they know they're going to a better place, and that that's a comfort to them rather than something that alarms them. But how do they KNOW they're going to a better place? They just believe..and it's so? I don't know if my fear results from a lack of specified faith or if it is just part of me..or if it's a basic fear of the unknown.

*sigh*

More things to muddle through.

N.

10:22 a.m. - 2003-04-10

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