nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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random hearts and thoughts

Too many things roaming my head..and not sure how to get it all out or even if I can put it into some semblance of sense.

Random thoughts on the way home from Gram's this morning: I like being low-maintenance. I'm not one of those chicklets who can't leave the house without putting her "face" on. And while I won't say that I'm so drop-dead gorgeous I don't need to worry about it, I'm comfy enough in my own skin to not feel I need to impress random strangers on the street.(which is not to say that I don't care what people think of me!!) There are so many more things I need to accomplish in my life. Looking at these women, all curled and primped and colored and model-like makes me wonder if they're really satisfied with their quality of life or if this is some strange desperate attempt at bringing it all under control for them. Or maybe I just don't get it and I'm the one out of the loop.

Have you ever tried so hard to be what someone wants or needs you to be that you end up in the opposite end of the spectrum? A complete stranger almost? Horrible thing to have happen in a relationship..people feeling they have to walk on eggshells around each other, automatically assuming the worst instead of the best, that icky feeling like you've lost the last person in your corner. It sucks when you know what you want to say and you say it like you think it makes sense to say it and it's totally taken out of context and misunderstood and even thrown back at you. And why is it we can give complete strangers the benefit of the doubt sometimes without doing that for the people we claim to love?

It amazes me, too, how quickly and totally without effort things can go to hell in a handbasket. Even with the best of intentions.

Situations like that leave me wondering if we're all speaking the same language and when I learned a new one.

BLEH.

I'm not even remotely the easiest person in the world to co-exist with. I'm simultaneously irritatingly perky and pessimistically realistic all on the same coin. I'm alternately a clean freak and lazyass. I will wash laundry, dry it, fold it..and then not put it away. I'm organized and scattered all in the same breath. But I think down deep, I want the same basic things everyone else does. I want to be loved. I want someone who loves me best of all. I want my family to be healthy and happy and strong. I want those I love to know that I love them and that they're important to me.

My methods of achieving those things don't seem to be the most orthodox all the time, and sometimes are not the most successful, but damnit, doesn't it count that I try? What ever happened to an A for effort?

Why do old guys who don't take showers think it's ok to talk to your chest? Not even a nicely cleavaged chest--just a perfectly covered up chest. Work last night, old grizzled guy, unshaven and covered in grease, comes in to pay his parking ticket. Stares at and talks to my chest like it's going to answer him. Weird. And don't say I didn't warn you. Random thoughts, remember?

I was tucked off to sleep last night by thunder and lightning galore. It poured here, from around 5 in the evening until this morning. Lovely stuff. And now it's overcast and grey and beautiful. A little on the chill side..perfection.

Happy Friday all. Have a safe and happy weekend.

N.

9:31 a.m. - 2003-05-02

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