nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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the best laid plans of ...

I always thought, growing up, that I was destined for something really great. For many reasons, I couldn't help but think there was more meant for me than what I'd come from.

Other than the ongoing commentary about my tendency towards socializing too much, my teachers painted bright and colorful pictures of my growth.

I was a parents' wet dream--responsible and respectful and well-mannered. I think mostly because I was petrified for anyone to ever question what my home life was like.

In 6th grade I won the county spelling bee and placed 5th at the regional. I graduated with a GPA of 3.8 and in the Honor Society. I was late for curfew once ever. I raised my baby brother and raised myself,worked hard in school and at the various jobs I had,hid the family strife and played peacemaker in the battles that waged in my house.Such big plans I made for myself. And I always just thought that I'd be SOMETHING or do SOMETHING.

And although it's not exactly what I thought it would be and at times along the way I've been disheartened, I AM doing that something.

I'm showing my little humans that life can be comforting and stable and safe while still maintaining it's joy, that love can be unconditional and free-flowing, that you don't have to perform to make people love you back. I'm teaching them what integrity and self-respect and honesty is,as well as accountability. I'm letting them see that although I'm Mommy, I'm still a human who makes mistakes too, and that you can forgive without necessarily forgetting. I'm helping them to develop the characteristics that will carry them into manhood able to nurture as well as support.

I was destined for greatness--and day by day, I'm fulfilling that destiny in big ways as well as small.

N.

7:56 p.m. - 2003-05-27

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