nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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there aren't words enough

I didn't cry.

When the small, sad yet triumphant group of people marched their slow way around the track, I didn't cry.

When my aunt dissolved into tears while wearing a ridiculous Spongebob costume, I didn't cry.

When my sons stood and clapped and saluted those who have survived this horrible, horrible thing, I didn't cry.

When my cousin's daughter hugged a small boy who almost died from a growth in his brain, I didn't cry.

When they played songs designed to make you sad and strong all in the same breath, I didn't cry.

But I cried as I drove home. I cried because I miss my grandmother so much, and I feel like I had just gotten her back and then the cancer took her away.And I cried because I feel guilty and glad that she's not in any more pain, and I cried because there are people who share that same set of feelings, relief for suffering ended. I cried because it's not fair that your own body can turn against you, that as hard as you try and as hard as you fight, sometimes you don't win and that makes me angry.I cried because I can still picture how small and wasted she looked before she died. I cried because I can't seem to say goodbye, and I cried because it hurts too much to think that this might be my future.

How do you fight something that has stolen women for generations in your family? And how do you accept that it's possible it will continue through you?

Inside my head and inside my heart, there's anger and sorrow and pain and pride and joy and so much love and remembrance.

I think about you every day. And I miss you.

N.

10:01 p.m. - 2003-06-06

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