nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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How many tears can come out of one person?

My head hurts and I've cried more in the last 4 hours than I have in months. I'm not the world's best or prettiest cryer. My nose turns red, my eyes go bloodshot and I look horrid. And if someone has managed to upset me something fierce, I end up incredibly sick and can't keep a thing down.

It's just been one of those spectacularly bad days, where I hate my world, myself included. Nothing I say or do is coming out right, and I've had one fight after another with people near and dear to me. All of this caused by me being me. And I never really thought being me was truly all that bad.

Today I was told that I need to know everything, that I question everything, and that I have high standards for myself and everyone around me. And all of this under the context of "bad things a person shouldn't be". I never really thought those were bad things, honestly. And I guess I (wrongly) thought those were things everyone else had going on as well.

I'm feeling highly..bruised right now. And alienated. And just plain crappy. At 28,I'm not the person I'd planned on being. And while I'm better than I expected in some ways, I also feel like I've messed some things up along the way. I suppose that's natural and it happens with everyone, but it doesn't feel that way today. Today it just feels like I've screwed up. I'm tired, and feeling old and I keep telling myself I'm ONLY 28, that I have my whole life ahead. The happiest part of that "whole life ahead" that I see right now is watching my sons mature. Period.

I appreciate the gifts I've been given, but is it greedy to want just a little more?

I know I'm not a horrible person. I know that I've a multitude of wonderful qualities. I know I'm not perfect and will trip along the way.

I also know that although today has been bad, tomorrow will probably be better.

It just doesn't feel like it right now.

N.

6:40 p.m. - 2003-06-14

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