nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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A letter to my dad

Dear Dad,

I wish there were a way to know if you can see us now or not. I wish I believed fully that you do. I hope that wherever you are now, you've found the peace you were seeking here. It's been almost 8 years since you died, and in that funny way time has, it seems both longer and shorter.

I never got the chance to thank you for some of the lessons you taught me--that it was okay to make mistakes and that they made you human, not a failure; that you can be strong by showing weakness and that sometimes it takes more strength to show it than to hide it. Thank you for showing me that I was lovable, when I kept wondering why my bio-dad hated me. Thank you for standing by me, for being my rock, for holding my hand, and for reassuring me that I'd always be your Munchkin, even when I hurt you.

When I heard you had died, that you'd hit that tree so hard the bones in your neck were all broken, I thought it had to be some sick joke, that someone was just playing a cruel trick. There was no way in my head a man who was larger than life could die like that. And then I got so angry...I just couldn't understand it. It's taken a bit, and while I still don't understand it, I've accepted that you're gone.

I miss you, Dad. I hope you can see me and I hope I'm still making you proud. I hope you can see the boys. I wish so much that you were here. They'll never know more of you than what I tell them and that breaks my heart.

I hope you've forgiven yourself. I know Mom has, and I did long ago. In spite of all the bad, there was so much good. And there's such a hole where you were. I think of you all the time.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. Wherever you are, know that I love you and miss you and you'll live forever in my heart.

Your Munchkin,

N.

10:17 p.m. - 2003-06-15

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