nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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This entry is about death.

Introspection took up alot of my time today. Due to the events last night, and also due to the current situation as described with Char, I've had death in my head.

As with alot of funerals, during the one today the Reverend at one point quoted Psalm 23 and down came the tears.

I think I've associated in my head a finality with that particular set of words. When I hear them, it makes me think of an end I don't think I've the ability to come to terms with just yet. Strangely, even not having known Char's father well, the idea that he was just..gone from them disturbs me greatly. And while some people will say he's only gone in the physical sense, and I can say that to myself as well, is it true?

My stepfather died quite some time ago, as did my great-grandmother, and just this last October, my maternal grandmother. And while in my head and in my heart I've found a sort of peace with each passing, I can't say that I've accepted any of it. I don't know whether that's a normal part of grieving or not, but it's truth.

Perhaps it's a result of my sometimes shaky faith, or perhaps it's a stubborn disbelief of something that's not tangible or able to be proven to me. Perhaps it's just that I don't like the idea of not having someone around anymore, of having them just gone. I wish I DID know and was able to settle this all in my head.

At any rate, sitting in the back of the room amongst strangers, tears slipping down my face, I hoped that the people I've loved and lost know how very much I miss them every day.

***

I wonder if the dead girl from last night ever thought she'd end up a casualty of her lifestyle. I feel for her family.

***

At first blush I tend to distance myself from things I find unpleasant and not immerse myself in them. I can't ever seem to get exorcise them from my thoughts, though. It's in my downtime or when I'm relaxing that they creep back in.

The boys had a nice time with my sister today. They all made me folded paper things that they dubbed Origami. Rather cute.

I'm going to watch the Zodiac special on Primetime Live, and then going to bed.

Nite all.

N.

9:44 p.m. - 2003-07-24

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