nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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tapes with memories recorded

I was cleaning out some spaces today, cupboards and whatnot, and came across some tapes I'd recorded oh...something like 5 or 6 years ago. I couldn't remember what I'd actually put on these tapes and so I settled down with a cassette player to see.

These were some of the songs I'd recorded:

Eurotrash girl by Cracker

Head like a hole and other various Nine Inch Nails songs (good stuff)

Angry Jonny by Poe

H and other songs by Tool (good stuff too)

some songs by Hole, Next, and old 10,000 Maniacs, back when Natalie Merchant was still with them, and a couple of songs from a local band, Sindust (my favorite being "Too many, Too few"). I know the members pretty well, and these were done live in my living room. They've since been featured on some show on MTV once or twice and have played some fairly decent venues in Cleveland. It seems like a million years ago instead of just 6. I had just moved to A-town and had only been in the tiny house I lived in before this one for a short while. I was taking college courses and working as well, trying to keep afloat. My sons had just started daycare, the one where Trevor had biters' insurance and eventually got kicked out of for biting another child. I dated a man for a short period of time, but he didn't like my friends. He didn't like the fact that I could curl up companionably on the couch with them without it being sexual. I think back now and see he was more disturbed because they were mostly men. I was 22 and young and feeling good in a new space. Looking forward and actually seeing a future instead of just dead space, which was what I'd seen before moving here. I remember that feeling of...freedom.

And I wonder where it's gone. I know that I'm doing the right thing, staying settled for the boys. Stability is important for them and for me as well. I just wonder if I'll ever get that frizzle of excitement up my spine again. There are days that I feel like I'm just existing..and maybe that's due to the lack of real passion in my life now. And I think that's an indicator that I need to delve into new areas and broaden my horizons again. Subtle change can be a good thing.

N.

10:29 a.m. - 2003-09-15

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