nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that and this and that again

I've been to see my Grams at the hospital. When I first got there, she was awaiting morphine and was fairly lucid. Or as lucid as Grams gets. She was confused and trying to figure out why she hurt so much, why she was in the hospital, and teary. The nurse came in and gave her the morphine and Grams got spacy really quick. To be expected, I know, with that sort of med. My mom was put on morphine after her drunk driving incident (she broke her neck and they had her in traction) and she kept seeing butterflies, kept trying to pick them out of the air.

And I left, feeling some relief that Grams wasn't in pain, but feeling alot of sadness. I can't imagine how it must be to realize and know, even sporadically, that you're not the person you've always known yourself to be, and that your body is giving up on you. In her right mind, Grams knows all of this and I can see how frustrated it makes her, and how sad. And my brain can't wrap around how that must feel for her.

As shallow as it sounds even to me, I'm afraid of that. I've said before that I'm afraid to die, and that I don't want to leave my family. I don't want to not be there with them. And I'm afraid of growing old and losing myself, afraid of burdening those I love the most.

I suppose it's a sign of my faith and my confusion with it. My lack of clarity...

I just want her to be comfortable.

***

Trevor slept last night with a flashlight and that seemed to help him sleep better. He said he doesn't want a nightlight, that nightlights are for babies. So we used a flashlight instead. Go ingenious us!

We got out the Halloweeny things for the house last night, got everything all up. Made my boys very happy to come home and see windows lit with glow-in-the-dark skeletons and ghosts after their meeting last night. We're going on the great pumpkin hunt this weekend, at a farm where you can pick your own. Ryan really wants to go through the haunted corn maze but he can't go on his own and Trev has no desire to have people jumping out at him. SO. We'll have to figure out something somewhere.

***

My cousin called last night, in tears because she thinks her husband might be cheating on her. She cleaned their bedroom and found his wedding ring stashed. And she says lately that he's been even more distant than he normally is, and that getting him to tell her he loves her is like ripping out his teeth. I listened. They've not been married that long, two years I think. There were things that she said she'd wondered about (not having sex but once a month or so, his really late hours at work, sometimes not coming home until 2 a.m., his lack of interest in spending time with her) but had not wanted to mention to anyone because she thought she might be just taking it all wrong. I didn't know what to tell her. Being naive and wearing blinders is bad, but so is assuming the worst. Sad stuff.

Okay. Enough.

On an up note, I work with Char tonight. That's always a good thing.

Happy Thursday.

N.

9:29 a.m. - 2003-10-09

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next