nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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The things that run through my head.

I've realized something rather disturbing to me: when I'm arguing or even discussing something that's not wholly upbeat, I will make sure I'm sitting quite some distance from the other party involved in that discussion. It's instinctive, a throwback to the days of my childhood. Something I learned from watching my parents, because if you're further away when you piss someone off, you have more space to get away when they come after you.It also gives you room to back up if things explode. I'd not noticed it before, and in fact didn't recognize it, until someone brought it to my attention.

That bothers me. Perhaps foolishly, I'd thought I'd compartmentalized most of that sort of thing, dealt with it and put it away. And now I'm realizing that maybe you can't ever put it all the way away. It seems a little irrational, because I've never been beaten or hit by anyone, never been in a physically abusive relationship. Maybe this is learning vicariously through someone else's experiences at it's worst.

***

Have you ever noticed that words can hurt more than a fist sometimes? That a scar left from someone being hateful throbs just as painfully as a flesh and blood bruise? And I think those wounds heal much more slowly than the ones inflicted physically. And sometimes I don't know if they fade or heal at all.

***

Last night at work, in the hour or so just before it was time to go home, we had an accident just outside of town that killed two people. Pickup truck vs. semi trailer. Bad stuff. We had horrendous winds, and torrential rains for a while. Besides that accident, we had two burglaries (one involving a drunk man breaking into his ex's home), and some idiot who drove into downed wires and ended up wrapping them around his vehicle. The fire department/squads were busy last night.

***

On a lighter note, Ryan asked me on the way to school this morning if the pee sign was a way to tell people we have to potty. When I was able to stop, I turned and asked him what he meant, the pee sign. He promptly showed me a peace sign with his hand, fingers in a V shape and asked if this was sign language for potty. Had to laugh.

***

Jenn has recently said that she really feels like she just needs someone's hand to hold right now, that she misses that companionship. And I know that feeling all too well. Sometimes it's just the knowledge that someone's on your side, by your side and comfortably there even in silence that means the most. The sad part is that sometimes you can miss that even when you're with someone.

***

This guy is experiencing a freedom I think we all wish we could, freedom to explore with time to spare and resources that enable us to, and freedom to try something that might make a difference. And I'm glad for him. Everyone needs a break now and again.

***

Today is Humpday, middle of the week. I'm now off (always a little off but this is off of work) until Saturday dayshift. The boys are really glad for that and so am I. I'm tired and my head needs to be in a better place. I have things I need to be doing so I'll tie this one shut for now.

Happy Wednesday. Hug someone you love today and remind them that you're glad they're alive.

N.

9:24 a.m. - 2003-10-15

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