nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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awkward

This is entry number 2 for the day and probably quite a bit different than the previous one.

I have some things in my head that I'm needing to make sense of and I'm not even sure this entry will get added.

I had a friend, someone who was just a pal. He had alot of the qualities I look for in a good friend. We enjoyed each other's company, laughed alot and tried to spend time together as we could. And as happens sometimes, it didn't work out. He had a tough time finding a place amidst all the things that keep me grounded and the things that kept me busy. He felt neglected and as if I'd put him on the backburner. And I'm feeling recently as if that's the demise of our friendship. Talking to him now is just..awkward. I always feel like I'm reaching for things to say, that I really have to work to just talk to him.

And the end result is that we hardly ever talk. We can't seem to get across this chasm that's developed.

This matter came to a head today, as it was one of the few times we've talked recently. And as I'm wont to do, I was reaching for topics of conversation and inquired about his life, happenings, relationships. Rather tersely I was told he was seeing someone but that it wasn't serious. And I was left with the impression that it wasn't my business and I shouldn't be asking. In fact, his words were "just don't. Stop." and then silence. I'm left confused by this, as I was only trying to tie together the shreds of our friendship. I've said more times than I can remember that I really want this man to be happy, that he deserves to be, and that I really hope he tells me when he is. I really hope he finds someone to bring him joy and hope and love. Yet, somehow, today's conversation came across stilted and uncomfortable and...almost painful.

I know sometimes that relationships tend to dissolve, that the friendships that began them unravel. And I hate feeling like this is what's happening with this situation. I mean, really hate.

And I'm not sure how to handle it, whether to just let it go, or try harder or whether even talking to him about it would do any good. Part of me doubts it would help any. And it's not my goal to make either of us miserable.

I've lost friends due to changing life circumstances or changing goals, or even a conscious choice. But not like this, not with this huge void I can't seem to bridge. I don't want it to end all awkward and ouchy, but I don't know if that will make a difference in any way, shape or form. And I'm confused.

*insert huge sigh here*

Suggestions are always welcome.

N.

10:57 a.m. - 2003-11-17

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