nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Moody me

I've started this entry time and again today, not liking the tone or the words or the thoughts, even. Mentally, I'm off today, sort of drifty and not anchored in any one mood. Perhaps that's the reason for the false starts..

***

This Christmas I felt an ending. I doubt next year my father's family will all be together again. It just seemed to have lost the lustre and the glue that holds it all amass. I know that I'm quickly coming on a time in my life where I'll have to start my own family traditions, ones that will begin a lifetime of memories for my sons. Things eventually thin out and change, whether we want them to or not. This year, with Grams only physically there and Grandpa just a short distance behind mentally, it just wasn't the same. And they're the magnets that draw us all...

There were other things as well. I'm walking a line that isn't the most comfortable right now. My cousin AmyBrat (the one who's hubby left her a few months ago) has been going out partying every weekend since he left and leaving her daughter with anyone who'll take her. She's become even more self-absorbed. And she's just not a very likable person right now. I'm not the only person who's noticed that when talking to her, if it's not ABOUT her, she shuts right off and doesn't even seem to hear. I've thought since before Tater was born that she was showing some signs of depression (not taking care of herself, letting the house go, really lethargic, distracted). Now, because of the whole husband situation, it's getting worse. And at the family Christmas party, she threw a tantrum and left because I made her daughter scream. She was climbing on Ry and punching him in the crotch and since Amy was nowhere to be found, I took care of the situation, simply by telling her no. However, telling Tater NO results in a screaming fit, without fail. Amy's response was to get huffy and leave, to take her daughter home and tuck her into the television with a sippy cup full of Pepsi and a bag full of M&M's so that Amy could play and chat online. *sigh*

I love my cousin and I hate to see this happening. I've tried talking to her about it all and she's throwing up the "just fine" facade. I know that internally she's feeling rejected and hurt and angry and overwhelmed...and this is all her way of dealing with it. I don't know how to help her. I'd offer to take Tater more often but I think she'd begin to take advantage of that. And enabling her to be drunk and escape isn't going to help her.

***

Much time was spent this morning, watching my boys be boys, racing remote controlled cars through our kitchen. We read books and made crayons (Crayonmaker=Christmas present) and played handheld games until my fingers hurt. They watched about 3 seconds of a Sinbad movie and lost interest. And now they're playing with their HeMan figures and Castle Greyskull. The joys of new toys.

I have to work second shift, knowing already that one of the third shift gals has called off. Hopefully they find someone else to cover, or I'll get about 3.5 hrs of sleep between work and Grams tomorrow. Makes for a long day.

I'm going to drink some hot chocolate and take my time getting ready for work. Maybe that'll help the moodiness a little.

Sunday, happy Sunday.

N.

10:04 a.m. - 2003-12-28

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