nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Just a tangent or three...this one on suicide and depression

FavoriteCoworker and I were discussing an article that was in our paper today, in reference to suicides and depression.

She said it was bad enough when a grown adult made the choice to end their life, but felt it was even more tragic when someone just beginning their life chose this route. She couldn't comprehend how someone young could have such a terrible life, that they would select this ending. I told her she obviously hadn't lived some of the lives out there.

When I found out at 16 that I was pregnant, I wanted to die. I'd tried so incredibly hard to maintain my grades so I could get the fuck OUT of the tiny town I grew up in, get away and be something different that what I'd lived to that point, and by getting pregnant, I felt my life was over. My mother wasn't the understanding sort, would probably have gone off on me in a drunken stupor and brained me with a kitchen chair. At minimum, she'd have kicked me out. At that point, I really thought about suicide. I really considered my life finished, and how was I, a kid coming from a screwed-up family, going to raise a kid herself?

And that's easy in comparison to what some kids deal with nowadays..I can understand feeling overwhelmed and like there isn't any other way but down.

I understand why people cut themselves--it's about release, I think. Sometimes the only thing that dulls the pain inside is pain on the outside.

And I understand feeling so lost inside and so hopeless that the choice is made already.

In a hugely sad way, my life was altered when I miscarried that baby. I grew up in ways that I didn't know were possible. I realized how truly fragile life can be. I learned about myself and about the people who were my family. I learned who would be supportive and who wouldn't. And some of those people surprised me. My stepfather, abusive as hell when he was drunk, turned out to be my staunchest supporter. He stood by me and didn't lecture, just was there in case I needed him. And he listened and let me cry and helped me to understand that he didn't love me less for my predicament. And taught me that I wasn't the worst person in the world because I made a mistake, I was simply human.

I think when it comes down to the wire, and you're thinking you have no one to turn to and no one on your side and you're losing all your marbles in one quick move, I think the people you least expect to be there for you might surprise you. I think in the back of each person's head there's a little voice that says we're not REALLY all alone, there are others going through the same thing right this second. I think it's a voice we stifle. Sometimes ending it is easier than reaching out for help. That takes a strength not many people know.

I guess that's why it's up to the people on the outside looking in, who are on the upswing, to reach out instead and make a difference. Even if it's just letting them cry or talk or making them understand they're not as crazy as they think they are.

I thought alot about this when my brother K. tried to kill himself. I mulled and twisted it around and around. And I can't say that I came to any groundbreaking conclusions but the end result was a shifting of gears in my head and an appreciation for the lessons I've learned.

***

Work tonight was peachy. FavoriteCoworker was there, I was in good spirits and fine form, business was steady and it was just a decent evening. The boys and I are at loose ends as to how to spend this weekend before school starts back up. I'd like to do something with them, just not sure what right this second. I'm off the rest of the weekend (a treat!) and would like to play it all by ear. The kitties are madwomen tonight, racing back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, pouncing each other like some sort of feline tag. It's funny to watch them stalk one another and then dart like crazy for another room. I wonder if I left a stray catnip mouse somewhere...

Plumberguy fixed my drain up nice and right and we have continual flow once again. I'm a joyful chicklet.

And now I'm going to go catch up on my diaries. Happy weekend.

Sweetest of dreams.

N.

11:47 p.m. - 2004-01-02

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