nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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I quit.

If you came here today to see me at my typical perkiness, you're S.O.L.

I'm beat, beat up and just plain fucking tired.

Officially--my van is considered a loss and I'm going to now have to roll over the remainder of the car loan (a pretty penny as insurance isn't paying out much.) onto a new car loan and a new car. That will happen as soon as the car loan company and the insurance people get their asses in contact. My Grams is sick. Really sick. Last I heard my aunts were taking her to the E. R. tonight. They think she has pneumonia. And they don't expect her to leave the hospital breathing. I went over after work this afternoon and she sounds like Ry does when he's having one of his asthma attacks. And probably due partially to her compromised breathing, she's not making alot of sense. Worse even than it's been. That tends to happen when you can't get enough oxygen. She kept telling me to set the table and then get Father...and then she'd drift off.

I held it all together, for the most part, until I got home. Figuring it would be better to keep busy, I set about picking up and doing dishes. And in the midst of washing a tall drinking glass, it broke and sliced open my finger at the knuckle. Not only did it bleed like a mofo, but it was my last straw. I bawled like a small child.

It wasn't that it hurt so badly or that it broke my favorite glass. I'm just burnt out. I'm tired. I'm defeated. I'm fast losing my spark here, folks. There are other, smaller things going on that are helping in that process.

I keep trucking along, trying to keep my head up and trying to do the best I can in all ways, but it's not frickin' working anymore. Sometimes I'd just like someone to toss me a cookie or three. I know, down deep, that there are people worse off than I am right now. I know that it could be alot worse. It just doesn't feel like it.

I'd like to go to bed right now and not crawl out for many days. I don't want to die, I just want to hide for awhile. I'm so tired of doing this by myself. I don't want someone to take care of me..I just want someone on my side, for me. And that's a want, not a need. I need a break. I need some time to get my shit together, some time to deal with and adjust to everything going on right now.

And I can't face losing my Grams. That is going to be one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life. I don't know if I'm that strong, honestly. I don't know how to do this. And I have no one to have faith in me until I can have faith again in myself.

This lonely, shutdown feeling isn't me, isn't the me I'm used to being. There isn't anyone to help buffer me through this.

Keep on keeping on. That's me. Best I can do at this point.

N.

My aunt called at 10:30 pm to tell me that Grams definitely has pneumonia and is in the earliest stages of congestive heart failure. She was admitted to the third floor of the hospital. N.

6:31 p.m. - 2004-01-11

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