nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Tired of hearing about Grams and my car yet?

I went to the hospital to see my Grams. She looks so tiny in that big old bed, buried under blankets and sheets. They're giving her I.V. meds and have her attached to oodles of monitors. And she's frustrating them to hell and back because even with a catheter, she wants to get out of bed and "use the pot"! Grams outrightly told one of the nurses if they didn't let her up, she was going to wet the bed and then how would they like to clean THAT up!?

That's my Grams, still kicking, still ornery, still...Grams. She's still hazy and confused, still not sure what time or day or year it is, still uncertain of her own name or age or location. But she's ...still.

I know more now than I did yesterday about congestive heart failure. I understand, from the nurse, that it can stay in limbo sometimes but it can't be reversed. And that it's likely my Grams will die from this combination with pneumonia. They've got her on oxygen round the clock and are giving her breathing treatments frequently but they only help temporarily.

I've taken some time today to try and gather my wits and emotions in check, to deal with this portion of my chaos right now. And I've made some sort of peace with it. I love my Grams and I know she can't be here forever. I'll just take each day I'm given and rejoice in it.

On the vehicle front, I've done a fair bit of wrangling today. The rental will remain mine until Friday. The van gets towed to salvage tomorrow. The car dealership needs to get their happy ass in gear and give me another vehicle quick. They don't seem to want to make this an expedited process so I had a nice and heated exchange with one of the legal advisors and am currently waiting on a callback. It felt good, to assert myself and take some control. We've managed to agree not to do a rollover--that would involve owing out too much money. Instead it's going to be a transferral of collateral. In other words, I get to maintain my current loan, current payments and apply that to a vehicle of similar value. That takes a whole heck of a lot off my brain.

So today I'm a little more calm, a little more at peace. Like I'd said previously, I just needed some time, to process everything and put it where it needed to be. I worked loads the last four days and didn't get a chance to take that time.

The boys are doing wonderfully; Ryan has settled back into school with a good attitude and hardle a problem at all and Trevor's maintaining his happy little self. I'm so glad for that. Tonight is Scout night and they're pretty pumped up, as they get to turn in part of their list for a new bead for their belt. It's pretty cool to see them excited at their own achievements.

Happy Monday evening. Be safe and try to remember the good things about why you are where you are.

And a special thank you to those who've put out words of support and encouragement, both in the past and currently. Those little reminders that there are other people in the world thinking of me really help, more than you can know.

Thanks.

N.

3:33 p.m. - 2004-01-12

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