nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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What sort of sick puppy dreams about killing someone they love?

In my dreams last night, I killed my Grams.

Waking up after a dream like that was horrific. Literally, my heart was so heavy in my chest and my head was hurting.

The logical side of me knows that I probably had this dream because I've been worrying about her. I know that part of it is because it breaks my heart to see how downhill things are going. I also know, somewhere in the back of my head, that it's even more heartbreaking to my aunts and uncle. And maybe some sick side of me thought a dream like that might be comforting.. scary thought, that.

It's not comforting. I woke up absolutely horrified. And then felt guilty as hell for even having a subconscious that thought it.

She's had some rough days lately, brought on (I think) by the change in living arrangements again. Grams is very disoriented and again is asking why she can't go home and when she's going..this morning she literally told me that I couldn't keep her prisoner, that she wasn't my hostage. And ten minutes later she couldn't remember the word for toilet paper so she kept calling it Tupperware.

There are days where I just take it all in stride, smile a little at the not-really-funny parts and just trundle through. I wasn't quite prepared for that today, having woken up feeling like a murderess.

It's strange how a dream can make you feel that way, even when you know it didn't really happen and can tell yourself over and over that it was just a dream.

***

Trevor's psych. appt. is at 3pm. Work called, apparently having another call off and wanted me to work. Happily told them No Can Do. We're going to the park after the appointment, to let off some steam in a physical manner. They have this great wooden castle for the boys to enjoy.

My house still stinks like wet dog. It's awful. I've tried everything, except removing the carpet from that room. I'm afraid to do that, as I think there's a bare concrete floor underneath. No padding, just indoor/outdoor carpeting and concrete. I'm thinking I don't have much of a choice though. I'm giving it till Friday during the day--if that smell keeps scenting the air here, carpet is gone. I've mentioned it to my aunt (who technically is still the owner of the joint) and she's in no hurry to even check it out. Looks like it's a matter I'll take into my own hands.

Dehumidifier? Check. Febreeze? Check. Candles? Check. Carpet shampooer? Check. Suggestions are welcome.

Happy Wednesday, all. May your midweek day be filled with peace and joy and no dreams where you play a killer.

N.

1:03 p.m. - 2004-05-05

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