nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Negative doesn't even BEGIN to describe this one.

I'm in one hell of a bad mood. Horrible.

Tonight at work was long and boring and I had a conflict with a shift supervisor I normally get along quite well with.

Mix that with alot of humidity today and some not-normal-Ohio-Spring temps (read warm), women from work who are lazier than a pig in a mudbath, and my family and you've got me.

And if I see one more friggin' fat black carpenter ant in my house or fat black spider, I'm going to burn it the hell down.

My brothers stopped by tonight, apparently to use my computer for something. And I'm beyond disappointed. I'm failing miserably at the whole "trying to love my family for what they are while keeping a safe and acceptable distance" thing. And right now I want to hate them all. My brother K., the one who tried to kill himself some months ago, the one I thought was finally trying to get his shit together and be productive has totally and completely blown that theory out of the water. I thought, for once, he was making a true effort to get to know me and my sons, to act like ...well, like a big brother should. He came over tonight stoned to the gills. Knowing that I don't want that around my kids. Knowing how proud I've been of the LIE I believed that he was clean and sober and kicking his way back into some sort of normalcy. Couldn't have cared less about the boys, from what they said on the phone. Didn't really care that I wasn't even home. Wanted something..again--the only reason my family seems to ever have for contacting me. I'm sick to death of being the go-to girl. I'm tired of being the dependable, reliable, sensible one. Peeved that the only reason they have anything to do with me is for what I can do for them or give them.

Fuck that.

Enough. I'm fed up. Done. Not taking any more of the crap this world is slinging at me. I can't believe I set myself up for this. For the longest time, I told myself not to believe too strongly in K's turn around, to keep a cautious eye on it and take it with a grain of salt. Then when I finally let myself believe he'd made this huge change (prior to, he'd been a drug abuser in a big way, a user of people, a manipulator, a wife-beater in the past, an alcoholic, and a pathological personality) I again am left feeling like a fool. I know that people slip, know they stumble and fall and crawl and then claw their way back up. I'm fully aware of the pitfalls of being human.

I just can't take this stuff anymore. I'm sick of believing in people who don't value me. I'm sick of caring about people who are so twisted and stuck in hells of their own creation that they can't see that I've been rooting for them all along. Thankless doesn't even begin to describe the position I've played for my family.

I quit. They can fight their own battles, take care of themselves, make their own way through. I'm done being what they need me to be. This distance I've held them at isn't far enough.

N.

11:39 p.m. - 2004-05-20

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