nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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I need to get over myself.

Is there anyone else in the world who wakes up depressed? My rose-colored specs are slipping again.

Memorial Day weekend could have been worse, of course. I could be without a job (makes my drama-filled workplace actually look good in that light), could be without a home to have to keep clean. I could be dead, right? Look at all those noble and patriotic people we've lost who were just trying to do what they thought was right, or had gotten sucked into something they didn't necessarily believe in. The Draft wasn't the nicest process in the world. So living a mundane, sort of blah life is better than not living. Right?

Memorial Day weekend, typically a time when people make plans with their families, have cookouts, enjoy parades designed to help us pay tribute to fallen soldiers and make children squeal at the candy tossed out. A weekend filled with leisure and relaxation and remembrance. Right?

Not in my house. I've officially accomplished nothing this weekend. I no sooner get the dishes done than there are half-filled Kool Aid cups sitting in the sink. I get the laundry folded and put away and turn around to see a basket overflowing in the boys room again. I get the bathroom scrubbed from top to bottom and get up the next morning to find toothpaste splatted over the faucet and shower water soaking into the bath mat. The cats are shedding like crazy, causing me to sneeze and sweep doubly what I normally do. The boys are tracking in grass faster than I can get it swept up, making the family room carpet appear as if it's sprouting. They've spent so much time today running in and out that my head aches from the sounds of that door slamming. And I'm tired. There's no keeping up. And this is the beginning of my summer!! It's only going to get worse. Today I hate my life. Today I wish I could be someone else for awhile. Today I'm looking at my life in an unhappy light and wishing that whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing would hurry up and make itself clear. Because this can't be all I'm meant for. Basic maid service can be had at a relatively cheap price. Certainly I'm qualified for something better? I know, I know, I'm helping form my small people into good and moral big people. That's a big job, an admirable one. I know that's got it's own importance. I just don't feel important.

I don't feel appreciated or even really wanted by anyone. That's my own fault, for keeping people at arms' length and not really allowing anyone in. I know that my job as a mom is important. And I try really hard to keep that in mind.

Things here are just in such limbo. I have choices I could make to change things but they aren't the sort of choices I want to make. Feasibly, I could stop taking care of Grams, get a full-time day shift job and take evening classes, to kick start my life in a new direction. I could begin creating relationships with people who may or may not really fit into my life and my world, just to fill the void of real friendship I feel sometimes. I could spend less time with the boys and more time off doing something for myself.

None of these are really acceptable to me at this point. Taking care of Grams is a good thing, a right thing. I know that she won't be around forever and this is an opportunity for me to be involved with her, as well as make sure someone who loves her is with her. Nursing classes can wait till she's not here anymore. And why put out the effort to be friends with someone you know isn't going to be there in the long run? Would make more sense to just find a group of people to interact with socially on occasion. Spending less time with the boys would hurt them and have me feeling very selfish.

Not going to work.

So instead, I'll whine in my little diary here every now and again about how unfulfilled I feel, until the time comes that I can put a different plan of action into play.

And I just reminded myself how very necessary and appreciated I am. I'm very needed by my Grams, very needed by my sons. They may not be able to show it in tangible ways sometimes but I am.

And I need to just chill in regards to the housework. As long as the dishes are done and we have something clean to wear, I need to stress less about being finished because let's face it--housework is never truly done when you have kids. And I refuse to spend my summer pulling out my hair and berating myself for not keeping up. I AM keeping up. And there's more to life than being Susie Homemaker. We're not living in a sty and I'm keeping abreast of it all. That's a good enough effort.

***

In other, non-whine-related news, it's a glorious day after. Yesterday was filled with tornado-causing storms, thunder and lightning and high winds. We spent the better part of yesterday evening under tornado watch, hunkering in against storms that blew in from Illinois. And Illinois didn't fair so well against the elements. Memorial Day will be memorable for the wrong reasons now. Perfect weather now, sunny and balmy. Slightly humid but nothing intolerable. There have been deer nesting down in the back area where my garden goes. Having run out of weedeater string, the weeds have grown knee high and the deer are bedding down there in the early mornings. It's a nifty sight.

Happy Memorial Day, all. Remember those who've lost their lives, in whatever measure. And thanks for helping me readjust my vision here, just by listening a bit.

N.

2:54 p.m. - 2004-05-31

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