nixtress's Diaryland Diary
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I just want to sleep for a decade or so
I'm not my normal perky self today. Please bear with me.
I went to bed about as down as I woke up. Couldn't sleep. I think I finally got to sleep sometime after 2. And this morning my mood hasn't improved.
I know that part of it is being tired. I know part of it is this whole situation with Grams. I know part of it is just..my life. Maybe part of it's just me and my psyche.
How fair is it to expect someone to question nothing? When you're someone like me, who questions everything under the sun and rarely just takes things at face value...that's not fair at all. I admit that I'm a bit of a doubting Thomas in my dealings with people. I've been screwed so many times, been walked on and put myself in situations that suck. I'm the sort of person who will trust you implicitly until the first time you betray me. Then I can't honestly say that I'll ever fully trust you again. How do people go on, with blind faith and the impenetrable hope that everything bad has gone away and won't come back again? How do you keep moving on in the river of your life, after having been nearly drowned, and continue to uphold the faith that the current you've depended on-the one that nearly pulled you under-will help you slide through the rapids and falls without pulling you under again?
Emotionally, I keep beating myself up. I keep blaming myself for reactions, for things that I should or could have done differently. Choices that should have been settled another way.
It's not working. Someone told me once to give myself a little grace when looking back or even when just looking. And it's not working. I'm tired and I don't see an end to the bad choices I've made. I don't see a remedy, a way to make it all better. I can't even fathom that silver lining that's supposed to be coming, perhaps years in my future. I've said before that I think it's amazing how long things can haunt you, how they can impact any future you choose.
My faith today is a little dim. That light isn't burning so strongly. Perhaps it's the overcast weather...I think it's more my overcast spirit. At risk of sounding like a whining teen, why does it seem that everything I touch, even with the best of intentions, gets muddied and tarnished?
Why can't I speak the same language everyone else does, so that I can make myself understood? I just want someone to hear what I'm saying, to understand. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world. There was someone once who saw me for what I was. Or maybe it was more what they thought I was. I don't know if I even truly know who I am anymore. I've pushed away the people in my life that I confided in. I've distanced myself in so many ways from them, in order to preserve my pride. Who really wants to be hear "I told you so"? In doing so, I've lost little pieces of myself, lost some of the glue that held me together.
I've created this situation. Made my bed, now must nestle into it. Right? There's this stupid wall I've constructed, while trying to do what I thought was the right thing. That "right" thing is getting twisted and muddled and it hurts now. And that wall isn't coming down, because I'm afraid. I don't want the pity that comes with it. I don't want to deal with that. I hate that almost as much as I hate the way my future looks.
I don't have the answers I need to work through this. And being locked up inside my head isn't going to help but I don't know if the alternatives will help either.
Does any of this make sense? I'll read back over it tomorrow and scoff at myself for even taking the time to type this out. I guess it's accomplishing what I need it to though..it's releasing it from my head. It's providing the outlet I've always meant this diary to be. That's got to count for something, if only to make room for more doubts. Maybe by tomorrow it'll have made room for some sunshine.
Someone told me recently that I'm the most negative person they've ever known. It felt like they were talking about someone else. Maybe they were just seeing the real me.
N.
1:38 p.m. - 2004-06-25
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