nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Dreams and realizations.

I had a bizarre dream last night. And it wasn't like I began my sleep cycle with it--it came after I woke up at 3 a.m. and then went back to sleep. I went to bed around 9:30 but per the norm, had a tough time shutting down my brain. My actual sleep began sometime after 11, after I'd spent some time watching a show called The Investigators on Court TV about Darlie Routier. Woke up around 3 am, wandered through the dark house to get a drink then went back to sleep and it was after that when the dream began.

In this dream, the boys' head coach from baseball tried to kill me. He stalked me, slashed my skin in numerous places, and then took off. I called into work, to get the officers to come take a report and to try and find this fellow. They proceeded, in my dream, to put out an ATL (attempt to locate) and I awoke before they actually caught him. I guess that's what I get for watching Slasher-Mom documentaries before falling asleep!

Trevor and Ryan went tonight to Vacation Bible School with J-up-the-street. It's being held at a Baptist church in the next town and they had to ride a little bus to get there. It will be interesting to see how they liked it. My mother's half of the family (when practicing any sort of religion) is Lutheran and my father's half are all very strict Catholics. Basically the same religion but Lutherans talk back much less. I've only ever been to a Baptist church once. My stepfather (the one who died) was married to the daughter of a Baptist preacher at one point prior to my mother and he always had such..interesting stories. I wonder now how much of it he made up!

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I haven't heard from either of my brothers in quite some time. I'm a little worried by that, as they seem to find all sorts of trouble when they aren't in touch with SOMEONE here. I guess I shouldn't worry too much--they'd be calling if they needed me for something. Maybe this is a sign that they're flourishing somewhere. I also haven't spoken to my mother since her birthday. She had a spectactularly cruddy weekend-following-her-birthday. Missing her mother combined with taking an introspective look at her life had her pretty bummed. I can understand her feelings but know from my own experience that we have to change ourselves and our choices, they won't change themselves just because we're unhappy. It's not easy to accomplish; hurts like hell most times. Has to be done, though. I have said many times that I'm much too young to feel as old as I do but I feel that way because I've made choices and because I allow myself to feel that way. I have to take responsibility for myself but have to also, as a friend once said, "give myself some grace".

My little social butterflies will be home soon. I have a few things I need to do before they get here, so off I go.

Happy Tuesday night. Sleep well.

N.

7:56 p.m. - 2004-08-03

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