nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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More venting

You know, I've always been one of those people who believed "mind over anything." I have always worked under the philosophy that if you tell yourself something long enough, eventually it's just got to be that way.
I don't think I believe that anymore. I've told myself for quite some time that everything was going to be okay, that I was strong enough to handle everything that God put in front of me, that I just needed to find the right mindset. I don't believe that today. I don't think I can take anything more. I don't think I can handle what I've got. I don't think that I'm strong enough to do this anymore.
I've spent my entire adult life trying to be the sort of person I viewed as good and healthy and whole and it's just not working. I'm good at being a mom (most of the time), good at my job, good at being a good granddaughter, good at taking care of the people I love (again, most of the time). I'm just not so great at asking for the same thing in return. I'm not so great about boundaries and I really suck at upholding them. I don't feel very healthy today. I don't feel whole. I feel empty and confused and tired and unbearably sad.
Today is a doubting day. I doubt myself. I doubt my decisions. I doubt my interactions with others. I don't trust my own feelings and that's making me crazy. Feeling crazy is not a good thing. Do people having breakdowns know they're having breakdowns?
I hate being weak. I hate feeling weak.
I hate funks. I hate depression. I hate that I've let myself settle into one. I hate that the sun seems too bright and the air isn't cold enough and the boys chattered too loudly on the way to school. I hate that my upside isn't so up today.
Maybe if I just keep pretending, it'll all come back to me.

8:24 a.m. - 2004-10-22

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