nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deeper.

Settling into the quiet of the evening, listening to the same cd on repeat, music resounding in my ears and inside my head. I can see the moon playing hide and seek with the trees, bright slivers that seem so far away and so close, all in the same breath.
Black shadows, black night, everything blending into each other with blurry outlines. I can smell the leaves, smell the earth, smell the smoke drifting from the chimneys in houses surrounding mine, smell Fall. I'm restless tonight, dissatisfied almost, picking apart everything and nothing. It's like the waning version of Spring wanderlust, feel the need to get out, get loose, just go. These are the days I need to be free and untethered and allowed to run, given my head like some obstinate pony. Doesn't happen that way, though. Life sometimes gets in the way, a life that I've formed and chosen. Responsibility keeps me tied and grounded, rooted in ways that sometimes I fight against, sometimes rail against, sometimes celebrate. I think that's the nature of the beast though, think that's why humans are humans and beasties aren't.
Maybe there truly is a magic to All Hallow's Eve and maybe that's what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why I feel this need to wander the dark, both inside and outside of my head, to explore places better left alone. Maybe it's a combination of the ending warmth, changing seasons, full moon and coming holiday. And maybe it's just part of being me.
Bedroom window's wide open, television's on but muted, cats are curled and purring on my bed and in the distance I hear the boys in a pre-bedtime squabble. Perhaps perversely, I love hearing them fight. They've changed so much as they've gotten older. So much of settling differences is done with words now instead of the gut impulse to hit. They're figuring each other out on new levels, and there's something nifty about hearing them be diplomatic with the other. It's how I can see a difference in the ways I'm raising them, how I can tell how very much their changing and growing, in the way they deal with others. It's an amazing and sometimes startling thing to see. I hope I'm doing it right, this teaching. They are who they are and who they were at birth, little people fully formed inside and out. My job is just to help them find their best way through. Intimidating. Exhilerating.
"You are my purpose...you're everything. And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you..would you tell me how could it be any better than this? You calm the storms and you give me rest, you hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. You still my heart, and you take my breath away."...Lifehouse. N.

7:50 p.m. - 2004-10-27

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next