nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Two whole years here

Today is the second anniversary of my first entry in Diaryland.
Two years I've been hanging around here, reading the thoughts, feelings and doings of other people and posting about my own. This entry will be #843. That's a whole lotta entries, not always about anything that'll mean anything to anybody.
I guess that's the joy of keeping an online diary. It's just for me.
Last year at this time I was in a much better space, I think. I was on an upward swing. I'm not feeling that so much this year. In fact, it's just the opposite. I'm in a funk and drowning quickly. My normal stalwart optimism isn't showing it's face and I'm struggling to stay afloat.
I've cried more today than I have in weeks. I tried blowing it off, coloring it the greys and reds of stress, or the blues and bruise-like purples of PMS and it's just not flying. I think it's a rainbow colored combination of things and it's blowing up into one big mushroom cloud. And it's petty and childish, for fuck's sake. There are so many worse places to be right now, literally and figuratively speaking. I'm healthy and whole and my children are well. We're not faced with tsunamis or war or illness or any of the host of other things facing God only knows how many people right now.
I don't want it to be the beginning of another year. I haven't finished with this one. I think part of the problem is that it's quite clearly finished with me. It's not that I haven't got goals set up for the new year, because I've got a few. I need to come back into some contact with whatever definition of faith I'm leaning towards. I know that sounds messy and that's because it is. I've never been cookie cutter clear about my outlines in faith and I just know that I'm really grasping right now for something to believe in and hold onto. I'm a lost soul and I'm feeling it.
I need to bring my children back into some semblance of family. I can only imagine how they must feel lately, if I'm feeling bereft of kin and friend.
I need to expand my horizons a bit, bring back some creativity in my life and remember to give myself some space now and again.
I need to tie up some loose ends. The tapestry of my life can get pretty tangled and there are knots coming undone all over the place. It needs some neatening.
I think it's just everything in the past couple months coming to a head just when I least need it to.
***
Let's try to perk this up a bit:
I'm looking forward to another year spent watching my sons step closer to being the fine young men they're going to be. I'm looking forward to the adventures I'll have mothering them. I don't look forward to the mistakes I'll undoubtedly make in our journeys forward.
I'm looking forward to Spring and blooming flowers. I'm looking forward to fresh air and balmy temperatures. I'm not looking forward to the mud that'll track in and the wet basement.
I'm looking forward to finding a job that challenges me and let's me utilize the skills I've learned. I'm looking forward to better pay, better benefits, better hours. I'm not looking forward to fighting half of my town to get that job or trying to sell myself. I hate that part of job searching.
See? Lots to look forward towards. I just need to corral the energy to keep it all in focus. I just need a little time, a little strength, a little bit of space to be me in all my weak glory. Maybe I just need a day to cry it out and get it over with, or a week of bleak and black and then it'll pass.
***
Happy New Year, one and all. Thank you, for reading and commiserating and keeping the faith when I haven't been. I hope 2005 holds great things for all of us.
N.

11:09 p.m. - 2004-12-30

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