nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Bottom lines

I've wrestled for the last two days with this whole "discovery" issue and I've come to some final thoughts about it all.
I can't change what happened. I've apologized as much as I'm able, for the things I really should apologize for and that's all I can do. I've tried explaining to her my thought processes as I wrote what I did and that hasn't seemed to help. She's completely disregarding anything I've said and is insistent that I'm dead jealous of her and being hateful in a place that the whole world can see and know.
I can't control what she thinks or feels and honestly, I'm done trying to explain anymore. I've done all I can. She has sent four emails now, and they've gotten progressively more nasty as we go along. The last was quite snide and biting, referencing snotty things about my mother and father's assorted addictions and life choices (how I should blame them for my shitty life and not her), how I should stop feeling sorry for myself (!!), and how I need to go out and try to make the biggest difference I can in the world because I had such shoddy beginnings, unlike her. In short, she started mudslinging.
I refuse to drop to that level. I can understand hurt. I can't understand blowing this into something bigger than it has to be. I cannot understand being hateful about it all. This is not handling the situation as an adult. And that shouldn't surprise me.
So while I feel badly that she's got hurt feelings and I honestly hate causing any sort of upheaval like this, I can only do so much and I've done it.
I'm not going to keep beating myself up for it. And I'm not going to stop writing.
As many people before me (and more to follow) have said, this is my space, to outlet and to work through whatever it is I feel the need to work through. I shouldn't have to put a continual disclaimer on the page, to remind people exactly what a diary is. Yes, I have it on the 'Net. Yes, for a long time it wasn't locked up. Yes, people can read to their hearts' content and take what they will from it. I've always tried to change names and smudge identifying details. I'll continue to do so, because this is my space to document MY life, not anyone else's. I won't allow someone to censor what I feel, or what I think. And if by some bizarre chance, someone who knows me in everyday life happens upon it, let them read with caution. No different than reading a paper journal, you may not like what you hear.
That's my bottom line. I'll remain locked for a period of time, yet. It's business as usual, otherwise.
***
Tomorrow is the Indians game. We've managed to snag tickets for Avery-down-the-street and his mom and we're carpooling in. It's the first pro bball game for him and her first time at Jacobs Field so, beyond the fun of the game, it's going to be interesting. The boys are pumped and have talked about little else all day. It's good to see them excited.
It's going to be a long day, however, and I imagine I'll come home with a scalp as red as a lobster before it's all said and done. Always happens, even with the best sunscreen. Fun stuff.
I'm looking forward to bed. I'm beat and beat up. Thankfully, it should be fairly peaceful this week. They've all gone to the lake and that's a blessing. Plus, our eye doc is finally cleaning out her office and out of the blue, her secretary called to see if I could help out a couple hours a day each day this week. She remembered that I'd worked at the p.d. (remember our many trips back and forth to the optometrist the beginning of this Summer?) and had office skills and basically, it's just copying charts and organizing files and the like while she shuts down and packs up. Nothing I can't handle. Ave's mom has agreed to help with sister C and the boys and it'll be a little extra money. Always a good thing.
Piece o'cake!
***
I'm about halfway through the new Harry Potter and loving it. I like how, as the series has progressed, Rowling has gotten more in depth in the development of the characters. She's kept them fairly true to human nature and it's amusing because I can only imagine the boys' reactions when I finally begin reading this one to them. They're just at that stage where secret crushes on girls are okay but EWWWW to kissing. It's cute. And the book is engrossing. My wrist gets sore trying to hold this mammoth thing up!
Happy weekend, all.
N.

9:50 p.m. - 2005-07-22

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