nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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A resolution, of sorts.

I've spent a tremendous amount of time in the last several weeks, trying to figure out what's going on with me.
This urge to bolt isn't new to me. In fact, it harkens back to the days of my childhood, where leaving was the quickest fix to all that ailed my family. It wasn't unusual to move many times in the span of months, just to avoid having to answer questions or deal with the neighbors who rapidly found out what our lives were like.
My situation now isn't like that, though. There's not abuse, no drugs, no drinking, no fighting. Just a really deep disconnection. I've gone over and over my part in it, tried to figure out whether I drew back for real reasons or just to avoid potential ones.
In regards to my mother and siblings, there's a very real concern. It's not a healthy lifestyle they're choosing to live and I don't want to drown in it with them. That disconnection is a good thing. I just need to work on accepting that the stereotypical "family" I have in my mind isn't ever going to happen. It's just not realistic with the family I've been born into.
With the paternal side of my family, I can accept that I've made a mistake or two. Overall, I've made huge efforts to stay as involved as I can. The problem that presents itself is one I've already voiced---I'm the daughter to the black sheep in the family. My father hasn't any inclination to be a "real" father and I've tried to reconcile with him on more than one occasion. It's just not going to happen. And my aunts and uncles have their own families...while they've always been kind to my boys and me, we're not the main focus for any of them and that's as it should be.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that my sons, through no fault of their own, won't ever experience a doting grandparent. They won't ever know what it's like to have someone who dotes on them as a grandparent does. And they'll have limited exposure to the huge family situation that they have on both sides. They have cousins they don't even know, from my older brother K. They've got assorted great-aunts and uncles they don't know exist because that side of the family is estranged in a big way. And the last thing I want them to feel from my father's family is that we're charity/pity cases. And in some regards, that's a very real thing. The cousin who threw such a fit over my diary, for example. She still views me as the pity case her mother felt badly for and helped for awhile. I've transcended from being her cousin to a charity case and that feeling sucks.
I've weighed the options in front of me. And I'm resigned to the fact that we're born into what God chooses for us and we can't change that. We can, however, form an alternative family of friends and I need to work on that a little more. I need to work on not closing myself off so much, not putting up so many walls. While it feels like I'm protecting myself and my family, it's also limiting our exposure to life and experiences.
Sating my thirst for change and new space is not worth uprooting my children and taking them away from everything they've ever really known. That's not to say that at some point in the future we won't be moving. I think that they also need to see that being flexible is a good thing and that change is inevitable. Just for the right reasons and not because their mother is tired of trying to create a family that isn't going to exist.
SO. It starts with me. I'm the beginning of a healthy family for my boys. I'm to raise my sons, and eventually be the sort of grandparent that I wish they'd had. I'm to sow the seed for our future. I hope like hell this works.
***
More and more, I'm seeing the trees changing. Scattered here and there like small fires in the hills, brightening colors lighting up the monotony of the green, green slopes. It's lovely. One of my favorite times of year.
Next weekend is Heritage Days, with the kettle corn and candle making and Civil War re-enactments that I always take the boys to. With the days as cool as they've been, it should be a pleasant outing. I'm looking forward to it, one of our sort-of Fall rituals.
***
Happy Sunday, all. I hope your weekend was full of sunshine and laughter. Don't forget those less fortunate than we are---remember to be grateful for the roof over your head and the sound soil under your feet. There are those without both right now.
N.

9:13 a.m. - 2005-09-18

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