nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Scalded

It's been a horrendously long weekend for me.
What do you do when you find out you never truly have known someone? When you find out things that never occurred to you to think? When some of them involve a torturous and slow breaking of your heart?
Maybe you do what I did this weekend. You discover a newfound confidence in yourself. You throw up until you literally can't even drink water without it automatically coming back up again. You get past the initial shock and work through to the robotic auto-pilot. You keep things just together enough so as not to completely alarm your children and try to maintain some form of normalcy for them. You cry as quietly as you can in the bottom of the shower, refusing to let out those throat-tearing sobs that then make your chest ache from holding them in. You stay there until the water is so cold you can't feel your skin anymore and yet, it still hurts so bad to be inside it. You doubt everything. You have conversations inside your head that make you feel as close to schizo as you've ever been. You hug your kids like today's the last day you'll see them, and remind them, as tears pool in your eyes, that sometimes Mommies just get scared too. You clean your house like a madwoman, trying to scour out the sounds and scents and scenes that haunt just you. You try to forget why it was you cared to begin with then realize that you aren't that hard. You try to sift the truth out of the lies, like sticky pasta left too long without water, all clingy and entangled. You keep asking Why without once getting a suitable answer. You realize everything you've ever done can get erased in one fell swoop. You remember how fragile a human being can be.
You look at your life and see it for what it is.
I'm not a perfect person. I AM very demanding of myself and I expect honesty from the people around me, even if that honesty hurts. I expect to be treated as I treat others. I believe that I'm, overall, a good, caring, smart and responsible person, deserving of happiness and respect and love.
This weekend, I forgot all that.
This weekend, I felt completely empty and as if I were lost and completely drifting free of all moorings. I didn't know where to turn, who to trust, who to turn to.
And then I remembered that when all else fails, I can count on myself.
I'm hurting. Probably as bad as I ever have. I feel like I'm inside out in my own skin and like I'm lost in the funhouse of horrors, where everyone wears a different face than what they are. Strangely, though, there's a weird sort of peace, too. Almost as if I knew this was coming, maybe was preparing for it. And maybe a remembered confidence that bigger things haven't broken me completely.
So maybe I can come out of this still me. Maybe I can.
N.

10:51 p.m. - 2006-01-22

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