nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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hateangerpain

I'm finding comfort in the day to day details of our life. They lend an almost normal cast to things. The hard parts are the nights, when the boys have settled in for bedtime and the house is quiet. Because my head isn't quiet, it's teeming with doubts and fears and pain and is a general cesspool. That's when I cry so hard I think I'll never stop and that's when I doubt that I'll ever again trust someone to love me or my boys.
This isn't a minor uh-oh. It's completely shaken everything I believed in. How could I not see? How could I be so blind as to not see what was right in front of my face? There are parts that are a huge violation of not only my privacy but my safety, my home, my children. The only saving grace is that they were asleep and didn't see what was going on just rooms away.
How will I ever be able to leave for work with the faith that everything will remain as I believe it will, that random strangers won't be in my house or touching my things or arranging trysts within earshot of my sleeping kids? How will I ever trust someone when they say they love me? How will I ever trust, period? Lies are so easily painted as truth and those who are really clever can make them sound so true.
I don't begrudge happiness or the pursuit of it. I just don't understand why it has to be at someone else's expense? I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I've voiced that time and time and time again. Why lie and pretend? Whatever happened to integrity?
I just don't understand. I'm confused and hurt and angry. So angry. And yet, because I'm me, I sort of understand why she chose what she chose, why he felt the way he did...and I really don't want to understand or feel either of those things. I don't want to do anything more than hate them both. I have such hateful thoughts brewing in my brain, have been having the most horrific nightmares and images in my head. I know they're both products of recent events. I know I'm not the kind of person to follow through with any of those violent or terrible ideas. Doesn't mean they don't feel good to think, sometimes.
I start therapy the beginning of February. I get tested for STD's midway through the month. Perhaps with the happenings of both of those, I'll start to find a normal keel again.
Until then, auto-pilot is functioning properly and I'm just trying to still be me.
N.

10:52 p.m. - 2006-01-25

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