nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Therapy Day One

Today was Therapy Day #1.
In all reality, it was a hodgepodge of intake, filling out ten million tons of paperwork, telling the nurse that other than a boatload of emotions right now, I'm overall a fairly healthy person and dealing with the billing system.
Then it was Meet The Therapist Time.
I was a little hesitant. My last therapist was great. We hit it off right away, I felt incredibly able to tell her the things you need to be able to tell a therapist, without feeling overly afraid or like she would be judgemental and all evil-like. It was a really healthy relationship, as Doc/client ones go. She was the one to help me begin to put my whole family chaos into perspective. Unfortunately, that therapist has since gotten married and stopped practicing. SO.
I was understandably nervous about how this new therapist and I would fit. I worried for nothing. I felt very comfortable with her. Let's hope that continues.
It was a typical first appt. situation. Had to go over all the family background stuff (always interesting when you've had a family like mine) and basic other info. Brought her up to speed on why I was seeking counseling. I'll be seeing her weekly until we decide otherwise.
I really just need someone in a healthy position to help me find some perspective on all of this...crap I've been dealing with. I'm tired of feeling lost and tired and depressed and angry and incredibly hateful and vengeful and...
Yeah. I'm not liking the person I am right now, inside my head. I don't want to be one of those women who bashes men because of bad experiences with them. I can't spend the rest of my life painting every man with the same brush---that's not how things are supposed to work. At least, I don't think they are. I'm hoping to come out of this just a little world-wary and scarred but still with my hope and happiness relatively unscathed.
Right now, I just don't feel like that girl. Right now, I feel like a really angry Valkyrie who'd like nothing more than to castrate a certain someone and feed it back to him. And while there's something to be said for feeling strong and angry, it's not who I am at the core of me. Being this angry and resentful scares me a bit.
Recognizing that is the first step, though, right?
***
My head hurts. I'm thinking a hot bath and a good night's sleep (for once) would be a good thing.
Happy Wednesday.
N.

9:38 p.m. - 2006-02-01

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