nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Thera-Nix

Therapy Day.
The layers, they are a-peelin' and there are some raw areas showing through. Nothing like the aftermath of an affair to toss one's confidence out the window. I'm left questioning the basic things that I always felt made me likable...lovable, even. And as much as the sensible voice in my head gently reminds me not to let that happen, it still occurs.
I have so many questions, ones that aren't really going to get answered. Why me? What did I ever do to deserve my heart broken into a gazillion pieces? And what was so wrong with me that he'd need to turn to someone else? Especially in light of the fact that I did nearly everything, sexual or otherwise, that he requested. How can someone be so full of lies?
Other questions...like how can I trust another man, in my heart and in my home and with my sons? How can I trust myself?
I've dealt with the idea of and been examined for any of the myriad diseases he could have brought to me from HER. I've dealt with the betrayal I felt just knowing he'd come to my home after being with her. I've dealt with my (immature) desire to do both of them irreversible and excrutiating harm.
I haven't dealt with the fact that he had her in my home, literally feet away from where my sons were sleeping. I haven't been able to overcome the violation I've felt knowing he used MY intimate toys on her (although the mini-bonfire in my BBQ helped). I haven't been able to stomach that I missed it, all of it. And I'm going to continue having a tough time knowing that there were others who knew it was going on and never said a word. That's a terrible feeling.
Overall, I can see that the therapy is working. And it's going to to continue getting harder, in order to continue working. As long as the journey is free of rats, I should make it out the other side okay.
***
The boys did a major overhaul of their bedroom tonight. Cleaned out from under the bed, the closet, sorted their clothes in the correct drawers, etc. I can honestly say it's the first time they've ever undertaken this Herculian effort with no help from me whatsoever and THEY SUCCEEDED! I'm so proud.
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My birthday is coming. Did I mention that? March 13th. I'll be 31. Why does 31 feel like 65?
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Happy almost weekend.
N.

9:05 p.m. - 2006-03-02

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