nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love you more than I ever said.

I got a phone call at 5:21 a.m.
My Grams died at 4:30 this morning.
*** Added on 3/12/05 at 10 pm. I don't even have the words to describe how I feel right now. It's not that I was surprised, although odd as it sounds, I sort of was. There was no sign, no symptom, no flashing light to say "this woman won't be here tomorrow". I wasn't expecting it, even though I was. If that makes any sense at all. I know that the last few years had been hard for her, physically and mentally. My cousin keeps saying she's in a better place, that she's not stuck in her wheelchair, battling the clouds in her head. Sometimes I accept that, and am comforted by it. Sometimes there's just no comfort to be had. I must have sounded like an idiot when my aunt called. My response, when she told me, was to ask "Are you serious?" Like she'd joke about something like that. And then I had to sit because it felt like I'd been punched straight in the gut and in the chest simultaneously. I couldn't breathe. When I was finally able to go to see my Gramps, about an hour later, I walked into managed chaos. Most of my aunts and uncles were there, as well as assorted cousins. I was okay until my cousin Jay took me by the shoulders and then hugged me. I lost it then. I cried like the little kid I felt like. My Grams is gone. The woman I've revered my entire life, who was strong and stubborn and loving and ornery and smart and ... everything. She was everything. She was my rock. She was the one person in my life who was steadfast and strong and always, always who I thought she was. She was the core of our family, the best of us all. She was what held us all together. She was our glue. She was a pillar in our community. My Grams was, up until just 6 yrs ago, involved in everything from the Literacy Council to the Council on Aging to Tupperware to the Red Cross. She was the most giving person I've ever known, in all respects. She gave, her time and energy and love and joy. Not once did she blink when I was dumped on her doorstep. She just loved me, like she loved all of her kids and grandkids, great grandkids and even great-great grandkids. When I lost my babies, she didn't placate me with all the typical cliches. She just held me and rubbed my back and told me to remember them with love. And that's how I'll remember her. With love. With respect and admiration. With a grateful heart. And with some sorrow. The world is short one wonderful human being, now. Already, I miss you, Grams. Already, I feel that void. And while I know that you're still with me, with us, it's hard to know that physically you won't be here anymore. It hurts. How do you say goodbye to someone you've loved for as long as you can remember? I wish you were here to ask. I wish you were here to answer. I love you, Grams.

7:32 p.m. - 2006-03-11

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next