nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New music and decisions.

While trying to find music for my Grams memorial, my uncle lent me a cd of Eva Cassidy.
I'm not sure if you've heard her voice but if you haven't, find either her version of Sting's song "Fields of Gold" or "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".
She has such a sadness to her voice. It moves me to listen to her, made even more bittersweet because we ended up using one of her songs to background Grams memorial.
Ms. Cassidy truly did have a talent and a gift.
***
I've been struggling with a decision the last couple days. My biological father is going to have surgery on Wednesday morning, to repair broken vertebrae in his back. My youngest aunt and my grandfather are going along to sort of sit vigil, both saying that it's what my Grams would have wanted. My father and I have been on rocky terms most of my life. He's sort of apathetic in regards to being a father to me and I, in turn, have drawn back nearly as far as I can. I spent a huge chunk of my younger years trying to figure out why he didn't want anything to do with me.
My aunt would like me to go as well.
I'm just not sure if I want to. I'm not sure what I'll do if he once again rejects me. In some ways, I'm protected by the distance I've helped maintain between the two of us. In others, I feel suffocated by it. What I want and what is reality are two separate entities.
I wonder, though, how I'll feel twenty years down the road, if something happens to my father, about my effort or lack thereof. And what do I tell my sons as they get older and want to know about him? I barely know the basics about him, let alone if he even cares they exist.
Change is hard. It hurts. It's scary as hell. And facing the possibility of yet another burn from my dad...
I just don't know.
***
I'm exhausted. Too many emotions, too little sleep, too much in too few days.
Hope your week started better than mine.
N.

9:41 p.m. - 2006-03-20

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next