nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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A shadow sister

Grey's Anatomy tonight...Meredith finds out she has a sister (two, in fact) she didn't know about.
At one point, not too long ago, there was a situation where my biological father was fairly convinced that he had a small child or even possibly two running around. Small, like under the age of 5. We never found out whether that was true or not.
I found out, the day after my grandmother died, that I have a half sister via my bio dad, who's about 2 years younger than I am. She lives here, in this town I live in, with her two smallish children. Apparently, when my aunt and my dad were discussing the obituary for my Grams, he wanted to make sure she had the proper number of grandchildren listed. He wanted to make sure they counted him with two children. My aunt then told me, not in a rub-your-nose-in-it sort of way but more a look-he's-taking-responsibility sort of way. She refuses to tell me the girl's name, says that I'm better off not knowing who she is, that I'll be pulled down by her.
I don't know that I agree that my aunt has the right to make that decision for me. I don't know that anything can be changed or helped by knowing this girl or even at least knowing her name. I guess I'm sort of curious as to who she is, how she grew up...curious to know if he was any more of a father to her than he was to me. Curious to know if he stepped up with her. Maybe that's a throwback to trying to figure out why he refused to even admit I was his daughter half the time.
I don't know. It's confusing, this mix of emotions that are topsy turvy within me.
This year so far...it's rocked me. Between a huge blow to my love life, a huge loss of a chunk of my foundation, a huge turmoil inside me that just seems to circle from good to bad and back again like a slow-moving tornado...
I'm trying not to lose my bearings. It's not so easy. And I don't know if I'd be setting myself up for a disappointment by asking my bio dad about this half sister. I don't know if I'd be setting myself up for more turmoil, more unsteadyness. Maybe it's better to leave well enough alone.
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The boys and I went to see Ice Age: The Meltdown this weekend. It was funny and a nice way to spend some time. Trev and Ry loved it. Gotta love that damned squirrel/rat thing and his eternal hunt for his acorn!
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Happy weekend, all. Busy week ahead so I need to get to bed. Sleep=patience.
N.

10:24 p.m. - 2006-04-02

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