nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my boys

I'm blown away, daily, by the growth in my boys. They're smart and funny and still like flip sides of a coin. I can see parts of myself in them but they're building their own personalities, habits and gestures every day. I catch glimpses, now and again, of the kind of men they'll be, how they'll handle pieces of their lives, maybe even some of the choices they'll make. I look at them and I wonder what I did to deserve such joy. I've made so many mistakes in my life, have screwed up in such huge ways. There are things I could list that would change the opinions so many people hold of me. The life I lead now was built with so many tears, so much sweat-equity, so much hard work. Built on the backs of life-changing decisions and life-altering choices, a new foundation carved from a different material than the one I grew up on. I was on a precipice once, one that could have drastically altered not only where I'm at now but the lives of my children.
I can't ever give back what was given to me but I'm working damned hard to never make those mistakes again.
I look at my boys and wonder how their lives will be, what choices they'll face and hope like hell I'm giving them what they need to never follow in my footsteps.
They're wonderful, my sons. They're strong and sturdy, healthy and happy and growing up before my very eyes. I realized, yesterday, that I'm on the downward slope of their childhood. With Ry turning 9, I have maybe 3-4 more years before I have to face the surly teen years. I've been told to enjoy what I've got right now, that when the teens hit, I'll be lucky if I can get them to acknowledge my existence, let alone talk to me. I'm hoping for a better situation than that but one never knows.
They are my saving grace. They are the reason I am who I am now. They are the best thing I've ever done, will ever do.
I grew up not knowing where I fit, wishing to be important to just one person, wanting to belong to someone.
Maybe coming full circle is making sure my own sons never feel that way.
Happy weekend. N.

11:04 p.m. - 2006-07-29

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

boxx9000
sixweasels
la-the-sage
singledadguy
nmnohr
Batten
myownjourney
nicim
swimmmer72
stwig
thunderstorm
lerin
theflyingrat
ochweidnit
selaith
rugged