nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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I'm seasick

The last couple of days have been rollercoaster-like. There are several family situations that are on-going right now and it's taking it's toll.
ThatCousin and her husband are having problems, to the degree that yesterday they called it quits. They've been fighting for several weeks now over everything under the sun. It all came to a head the other night when he rec'd a phone call on his cell at 1:30 in the morning. He'd saved the number in his contacts as someone named "Billy" so that's the name that came up. ThatCousin went downstairs to find him lying in the basement family room, on the futon, talking away until she entered the room then he abruptly hung up. She waited until the morning and checked the cell, copied the number down and once he left, she called it. The phone number belonged to another girl.
This, in addition to whatever else has been ongoing between the two of them, set off a detonation in their relationship. He's staying with his brother, says that he knows there's something wrong with him and it's not worth working on. This, then, leaves my cousin feeling as if she's been tossed away like yesterday's newspaper. I've spent large chunks of time over there, the last couple of days, trying to help in whatever way I can. I know how devastating it can be to find out someone you've loved has betrayed you like that.
She's confused and hurting and angry, all rolled up.
These are all emotions she has to deal with---I'm just trying to make sure the girls aren't bearing the brunt of it. The unfortunate part to the situation is that ThatCousin is expecting 5 yr old Tater to be her best friend and wipe her tears away. Nearly 2 yr old Pnut is just being her 2-yr old self and doing what toddlers do.
She's putting everything out there, confiding in Tater like she would an adult gf and I think there's going to be a bitter outcome to that. She's just a little girl and doesn't have the capabilities of dealing with this on an adult level. I tried cautioning ThatCousin a bit but it never made contact. I'm worried, not only about my cousin but about those two little girls.
In addition to that, my almost-stepbrother A has been arrested in Florida for, as the jail's website put it, "robber with specs". I'm assuming (since I haven't talked to him and am not sure of the details) that he either used a weapon or injured someone in the midst of robbing them. My little sister is driving herself sick worry---she adores her brothers. Due to his past record, I'm pretty sure he's facing prison time.
No one can seem to get into contact with my younger brother B or his very-pregnant gf. I'm worried about that baby, worried about the level of responsibility my brother's shown to this point...
Left wondering when it's prudent to cut ties and if it makes me a monster to even contemplate doing so.
No mistakes here---I love my screwed up family. I hate that we're not closer, not a "normal" family. It carves me up that everyone's so damned troubled. But how do you shut off or cut off those family ties and stop caring?
More fodder for my therapist, I'm thinking.
***
I realize that the situation with ThatCousin has contributed to my angst over my own past history with betrayal. I also realize that there has been an instance where I was involved with someone who wasn't as footloose and fancy free as he claimed. I nipped that in the bud as soon as I was aware of it. I can't stomach the idea that I've ever, in any way, contributed to someone feeling the way I have---raw and lost and turned topsy-turvy. Guilt is a horrible feeling.
And empathy can really suck sometimes.
I don't want to be a person who's so jaded and cynical that the simple joys of Life are lost on me. I don't want to build up cinderblock walls to protect my heart. I don't want to close myself off from the possibilities that are out there, simply to protect myself from the hurt that's can happen.
It's not so easy, though, to not follow that path.
Long day. Heavy thoughts. Maybe I need to build a bigger shelf to put them all on.
N.

11:57 a.m. - 2006-09-24

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