nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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How children can break a mother's heart

My guys. They break my heart in the best of ways these days.
This morning: they chose to wear their choir concert clothes to school instead of just taking them because they didn't want to have to do the mad shuffle in the bathroom, trying to get them on. Plus, as Trevor put it, I was available to "fix things".
They looked so incredibly handsome. Trevor, in particular, seemed to have grown up overnight. He's rapidly losing his "boy" look and heading full force into "young man". His torso seems impossibly long and his shoulders are broadening. I can see so much of his father in him physically and that's bittersweet.
After a few minor adjustments (settling Ry's slacks on his actual hips and out of his armpits, adjusting their ties numerous times, polishing a shoe here and there), they were off.
During the ride to school, I listened to Trevor playing his recorder, trying to make sure he had all the notes down, listened to Ryan muttering his speaking part under his breath. They came home glowing about the afternoon performance for the lower grades. Trevor said that as they walked through the halls, the younger kids treated them like celebrities.
Tonight, watching them on the stage, my heart broke a little more. Trevor was remarkably self-possessed. He handled himself so well. Watching him, you'd have never guessed he has Asperger's and that social situations tie him up in knots.
Ryan was noticably uncomfortable but was the only kiddo with a speaking part who didn't need to read it off a paper and had it memorized.
He stood there, this boy of mine who oozes confidence but hates to draw this sort of attention to himself, with a half-smile on his face and made his way through his part with clarity and volume.
It's not like I don't realize, daily, that they're growing up in leaps and bounds. It's not news to me that they're going to branch out and leave me behind. It's not news either that for everything I take note of, there are a gazillion things I miss.
Tonight, watching them, it struck me that it's all beyond my grasp. The baby books I filled out in such detail when they were small...I can't even keep up with all the changes they're going through now.
I want to slow time and just watch them, take this time in their lives and make it tangible because I know I'm going to blink and they'll be out living their lives and it'll be past.
As sad as that sounds, it's a joyous thing and I know that. I know that I'm raising them to the best of my ability and not doing such a bad job of it. They're such good boys.
I'm so proud of them. My boys-who-won't-be-boys-much-longer.
I never knew, when I became a mother, how joy and pride could break your heart just as much as sorrow and pain.
I never knew how indelibly kids mark you. I never guessed that I'd be a better person because of my journey to help shape the lives of these boys.
I never knew but I'm glad that I didn't miss this in my life.
N.

9:08 p.m. - 2006-11-30

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