nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Blustery days.

Blustery days are here again and I'm a bit...off today.
It began yesterday evening, this off mood of mine and I'm not exactly sure what brought it on but it's not entirely comfortable.
I firmly believe we wear moods like clothing, and they either fit, like the rag-tag old sweater in your drawer that's misshapen and pilled but feels like a warm hug, or they don't, much like that pair of jeans hanging out in the back of your closet that you WANT to fit but never quite seem to.
This weird mood of mine isn't really like either of those situations, though. I don't WANT it to fit, don't want it to stick around. It's half irritable, dissatisfied almost. Halfway upbeat and fruity but with a dark side to it. Almost like my nerves are exposed and yet covering them up is even more uncomfortable. I'm not really sure where it's headed and maybe that's the most disconcerting of all.
Perhaps this is where I need to make an attitude adjustment...
***
ThatCousin called this morning. We had a very boring conversation that never seemed to really get to a point. I'm still not sure exactly why she called, unless it was just because I hadn't called her in weeks (November) and she never calls me so we hadn't spoken. Maybe it was the lack of effort on my part that finally sunk in on her end. I'm really tired of pursuing people just because I'm supposed to, because that's what's expected of me. That's been the situation with ThatCousin since a year ago when she found my diary here. She's put out next to zero effort and has expected me to be the one to call/show up/be involved.
I'm just not going to do it anymore. I'm tired of putting it in only to get nothing out of it.
Our conversation today was fairly short, with lots of empty space in the mix and I finally made an excuse to get off the phone because I was tired of waiting for her to respond to something I'd asked, only to have her ask me to repeat it again.
Very typical of most of our conversations.
Perhaps I should be more blunt and to the point, perhaps I should put it out there in black and white but sometimes, especially when dealing with family politics, that's just not prudent. Sometimes it's better to let something just end of it's own accord. No one says we can't still be cousins. Maybe we just shouldn't be friends anymore.
***
I have a dinner to go to tonight. If this mood of mine doesn't improve, I may end up shrugging it off. Or, conversely, it might be exactly what I need to throw off this odd mood. Having to pretend you're fine and feeling peachy, with people who don't really know you and can't see that you're lying out your ass, sometimes forces you to just take on that lie and live it.
Or more simply put: pretend hard enough and it'll be true. Mind over matter or something.
Plus, there'll be music and some socialization and food that makes counting calories and fat grams nearly impossible. Hmmm...
There's a thought. I'm sure I'll have an interesting story tomorrow.
***
Blustery days, in more than one way.
Happy Saturday.
N.

12:50 p.m. - 2007-01-06

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