nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nerves.

Tomorrow is Trevor's evaluation with the psychiatrist.
I have a tumbled mix of emotions about the whole situation but overlying most of it is a sincere wish to just know what's going on with my boy. Whether they include him in the masses who suffer from depression, whether they exclude him, I just want him to be happy, however we can make that happen.
I was asked by a relative in the last week why I thought it wasn't okay for Trevor to be depressed. That sort of shocked me speechless.
I know that children are going to have moments of unhappiness. I know that being unhappy occasionally builds character. I know that part of the problems in today's youth is that they've been given everything they want and more and therefore haven't a clue what it's like to work towards something.
I also know that too much negative energy in one little being is a terrible thing.
The things seen in Trev...they're more than just a momentary unhappiness.
It's the sum of lots of little things, I think. Things like being constantly tired, the internalization he goes through in his dynamics with other (knowing he's different yet not knowing/accepting why or how), certain ways he expresses himself.
It's nearly impossible to explain to someone who isn't with him on a regular basis.
I'm not saying he needs medicated but I AM saying that I can see pieces in him and his workings that concern me.
How remiss would I be to ignore them?
Is this how all those boys who went to school with guns started? Little things that just weren't seen or recognized? Things that eventually added up into one tragic picture?
Bah. I'm getting myself all tied up in knots.
Bottom line, it's a judgement call by a mom who loves her son to distraction.
Here's hoping for the best tomorrow.
***
The boys had a 2 hr. delay this morning, more for fog than snow, although we had a fair amount of that too. They were all ready to go, jackets on and backpacks waiting and it scrolled across the bottom of the screen.
They whooped like nobody's business and streaked to their bedroom, shedding outdoor wear along the way. I curled up on the couch with a massive mug of hot chocolate and watched big, soft, white flakes tumble to the railing on the back deck.
Surprise slow starts to a morning are always welcome.
***
I had a dream last night that was very similar to an incidence that happened when I was a kid. I figure it's because of all the turmoil I've had roiling around in my head the last day or so.
In my dream, I was lying across the backseat of a beatermobile, so old and abused I could see the road flowing under us through the holes in the floorboard. The taste and smell of exhaust was strong and sickening and I had to sit up, disoriented and trying to figure out what woke me.
My stepfather and mother were in the front seat, entangled in a heated argument, the smell of beer almost as overpowering as the exhaust fumes.
My mother's back was to the passenger door, her arms and hands free and ready should she need them. My stepfather was in the midst of a full on temper tantrum, red faced and flailing.
I sat huddled in the backseat, as close to the door as I could get without falling out it, face pressed to the cool glass. The car was weaving back and forth across a road with no guardrails, building speed in tandem with his temper.
Next to the road was a very long drop-off, ending in a river that was idling it's way through the hills.
The feeling of dread, of complete conviction that we'd tumble right over the edge was huge.
It kept building, like watching the clothes in a dryer tumbling over and over and over, neverending.
That's how I woke up, with a feeling that something bad was building.
Odd how a brain'll process things. Maybe it's the feelings of helplessness I hold in the face of Trev's Asperger's, maybe it's a release of stress. Or maybe it's just completely random.
Stranger things have happened.
***
Happy Monday evening, all.
N.

8:37 p.m. - 2007-01-22

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next