nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Random mind-mutterings I need to unload

I sat in the shower this morning, thinking about every little thing under the sun, I think.
I've had a lot on my mind in recent days and that's not changing any time soon.
I'm torn. I don't tend to put myself first on a general basis---some because it just feels wrong and some because I literally can't.
When is it okay to say "I'm going to do this because it's what I want to do.." instead of saying "This is going to happen because it's what's right/expected/for the greater good" ?
I'm living my life afraid of what might happen or what might not, instead of the positive flipsides of those coins. And I don't know how to change that.
Ruts can be both good and bad, sometimes even at the same time. I've been in the same one for a long, long time. There are things that feel like they're just beyond my reach and yet I'm afraid to really stretch for them.
I'm no different than anyone else in the world---frightened of failing, scared of the impact those falls will have and what sort of bruises might be shaped by them.
But when is it "living sensibly" and when is it "hiding"?
Beyond relationships and jobs and what kind of cereal to buy...when it's about personal growth.
Maybe I'm intimidated by the unknown. Maybe my anxiety is manifesting because of that fear of unknown and it's making me a frozen block of indecision.
I have a want to grow and change...I just don't know where to start. I don't know if I know ME anymore, at least enough to know which direction to move in. It seems obscene to have growing pains at nearly 32 and yet I can't help but wonder if that's what it all boils down to.
I'm tired of being in this rut I'm in. I'm tired of the lack of newness in my life. I love my children, love the stability of things...but I want the joy back.
I want that novel feeling of waking up and looking forward to the day ahead. I want my confidence back.
And I don't know how to find it all again.
*** As promised, a few pics (more to come): An example of the snow that fell, as seen from my back window. Doesn't it look like I'm growing picnic tables out of the snow? And THIS is the way I'd like to spend my day, thankyouverymuch. N.

10:28 a.m. - 2007-02-16

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next