nixtress's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

Much too long since the last real and honest entry, so here we go. Buckle yourself in. This'll be a long purge.
My little brother has moved his household back to Ohio, back to my mother's house. His gf, their little daughter and he are going to be living in TheMaternalWonder's basement, trying to get jobs, save money, etc.
It's a time bomb, with a delayed trigger. I'm worried about him, worried for him.
I can predict the timeline of events, because it's happened before. The only differences at this point are that there are warrants out for both my brother and his gf, they have a daughter and instead of it just being my brother staying with TheMaternalWonder, it's all three of them as well. If there were more maturity involved from any of the parties, I'd say it might possibly work, with a lot of effort and patience.
However, this is MY family we're speaking of and to be honest and realistic, I don't want to be around to deal with the fallout. It's just not going to end well. I hope against hope that I'm wrong, that I'm being overly pessimistic.
I listened to TheMaternalWonder speak in glowing terms of his arrival at her home, the presence of his daughter just filling her with glee.
I know how I sound, I know it's coming across as more than a little bitter and I'll admit to that. I'll admit that it pisses me off to no end that my sons and I have lived less than ten minutes from her for most of their lives and she has yet to call and ask for time with them. NOT ONCE. I realize that I've limited their access to her, because of the multitudes of bad behaviors and examples she exposes them to. I take responsibility for that. That hasn't stopped her from showing some...interest in them.
Even when they were babies, she didn't want them around.
And yet, she pines away for my brothers' children, acts as if her heart is breaking into pieces because she "doesn't ever see her grandkids".
She's come to my house less than ten times in ten years. Made it to ONE football game of Trevor's, and not ONE other event of his or his brothers'.
I'm beyond pissed off. I'm so angry I'm cold.
And I'm done. I'm tired of being the person everyone turns to for everything.
I've never felt so alone in all my life. I'm drained. I'm tired. I'm sick of holding it all up and never once having someone just to talk to.
At what point in my life does someone decide I have enough value to matter, to take care of, if even just enough to listen to me??
I'm not saying I have this horrible life because I know that there are people who are worse off than I am.
I know that at least I have a roof, food, healthy children, my own health. I'm grateful for all of those things.
I just never expected to hit my mid-30's and feel so alone.
How did it happen that I'm the only one who makes effort? I make the calls to just touch base, with family and "friends". I make arrangements for time together. I take care of everyone, partly because it's my nature and partly because I'm terrified, deep down, that if I don't, if I stop, they won't care about me.
The reality of it? I don't feel like they care now.
My paternal family I hardly see anymore, usually in passing at my Gramps. I learn more from a Myspace site than I do through any conversation because I don't rate that high. I'm obviously not a high priority to the maternal side, in spite of making them a priority. In spite of taking care of them for my entire life.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to be this way.
I don't want to be unhappy.
I don't want to give my all for people who couldn't care less about me.
I love my sons and I will always, always, always be there for them. None of this is about them, really.
I just can't keep putting my energy into others who don't return it.

I was only marginally annoyed by the phone call with my mother. The part that put me into overload was when I tried to just...talk to someone. Tried to share my feelings, to just vent, to someone who says I matter to them.
I was told I'm wrong, that I have too high of expectations for other people. I should just be happy with what they give me and not expect more.
I shouldn't expect that people will put out the effort of a phone call to check in with me, that my mother might want to see my boys. I shouldn't expect that people who care about one another actually talk sometimes, or share the same space occasionally.
Shouldn't expect to matter to someone in the ways I need to.
Life, apparently, is all about giving and never receiving and perhaps I'm going to burn in Hell for being selfish but that's just not enough for me.

I'm present in my sons' lives. I'm trying like hell to raise them better than I was. I moved back to this area to be around my family and I'm left wondering, now, what I was thinking.
And it's not like this is a new thing.
This has been the ongoing situation for years now.
Maybe it is all on me. Maybe I really DO have too high of expectations for others. Maybe, on the friend front, I'm not a very good one and therefore I'm not able to make good ones. I'm doubting myself so badly and I hate it.
A gal I know has had a friendship since 2nd grade and I envy that so deeply it hurts. What must it be like to have someone know you inside and out and still love you? To have that kind of history with someone?
Hell, I don't even have that kind of relationship with my family, let alone someone I'm not related to by blood.
Bottom line, all this ranting just means:
I'm tired of always being the strong one.
I'm tired of practically begging people to care about me.
I'm tired of holding this...ick inside me.
I just want to care for people and know that those people care for me too.
I'm beginning to think that I just need to continue to be here for my boys and give up on the rest.

Right or wrong, it makes me seriously wonder what the fuck is so wrong with me? What makes me so undeserving of affection and love?
Not even from my own family.

I quit.

9:29 p.m. - 2008-09-07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next