nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Like a hamster in a ball, I'm all over the place today

It's a rainy day here in Ohio, overcast and grey and still so humid.
I'm in a weird space mentally.
Some of it's up, some of it's down, some of it's just dealing with LifeAsIKnowIt.
To those who left notes or emailed, a whopping Thank You.
Sometimes it's so easy to get lost inside your own head and your own feelings. Or to just get lost, period.
I know, down deep, that I have boundary issues and unfortunately, that's a work in progress. There's so much with me that's tangled up and I may very well spend the rest of my life separating all the strands.
There are just days I wish I had a big ole set o' scissors so I could cut it quick, ya know?
In other news, there really isn't any.
I've been buried neck deep in PTO stuff. I'm finding that being president has it's moments of reward. I'm sort of anal about some things and seeing the events I've created run smoothly is certainly one of the perks for me. Plus, my inner social butterfly is enjoying the interactions with people I might otherwise have absolutely nothing in common with.
There are moments, too, that I'm overwhelmed or even underwhelmed. For the most part, it's all good.
Trevor and Ryan are enjoying seeing me pop in and out of their school all the time. It's funny to see them looking around and realizing I'm standing right there.
Keeps them on their toes, though, too. Less opportunity to find trouble to get into if you know your mother is around at any given moment! Heh.
Brandon is doing well. We finally got his pictures back from the guide for the NY trip. Roughly 1000 images!!! It's going to take me awhile to print those up.
His father called last night due to a switching of weekends issue, and when Bran told him the pics were back, his dad asked him to bring the disks over so he could see them.
This, from the man who didn't contribute one red cent towards Bran's trip. Bran made me laugh when he told his dad that he'd just email some to him.
Bran's afraid if he takes the disks over there that his brother will destroy them or scratch them up out of spite. (They have a rocky relationship, mainly due to influence from Bran's StepBeast).
I told him not to worry about it, I'd figure something out so he didn't need to.
*shrug*
School seems to be going well for all of them. I worried about Brandon starting high school, afraid that he'd struggle some but he's settling in okay, I think. We talk about it and he's voiced a few concerns but nothing too big to handle. I hope he finds his niche soon. It helps to have somewhere to fit.
Finally found a game on the 360 that I enjoy too. The boys rented Thrillville 2, a game that centers on theme parks and I'm having fun building rollercoasters on it.
Better than losing abominably at the sports games they like!!
***
Missing my Grams today. I'm not sure why it's so bad today of all days. Again, I think it's due to my weird head space. I'm all over the place today. I just really miss her. I was at the grocery store, picking up some things for Gramps and came across a candle, lilac and vanilla-scented, and it reminded me of her in a big way. She loved lilacs.
That lead to other thoughts. Like songs can remind me of certain situations or times in my life, so can scents.
Murphy's Oil Soap always, always reminds me of a time when I was a kid. We had just moved to Pa. from Ohio. I was maybe 6. Our new place was a trailer out in the middle of nowhere Pa, near Bradford, down the road from my stepdad's mom and dad. I remember the smell of Murphy's Oil Soap as my maternal wonder cleaned the cupboards inside and out with it. I remember the peeling brown-patterned linoleum, corners curled up where they hadn't been glued down. I remember Bob Seger playing in the background and sitting in the living room of that trailer on carpeting that was cranberry in color, playing with pipe cleaners. We'd moved with just what we could fit in our car and so any toys I'd had, for the most part, were left behind.
And I remember the dishes on the counter, waiting for the cupboards to hold them. They were probably cheap, Goodwill plates but I thought they were beautiful---white except for a broad ring of color around the rim, maybe an inch thick. Green and red and yellow.
That's the memory that Murphy's Oil Soap carries for me.
Bran, Trev and I were talking the other night and they wanted to know if I HAD to lose a sense, which one would I want to lose. After much thought I said I didn't want to lose my hearing because I love hearing their voices, love the sound of rain hitting the deck, the quiet that comes with first snows, my music!! I wouldn't want to lose my sight because I'd miss all the brilliant beauty the world holds. I wouldn't want to lose my sense of touch---no numbness for me, thanks. And then I was torn. Taste and smell are intertwined. I love the way chocolate chip cookies smell baking, the soapy clean smell of my boys after their showers, lilacs and the earthy smell a good rain ushers in.
But I love the taste of things too!
They got rather impatient with me when I told them I couldn't choose but finally I decided that I'd probably pick my sense of taste, if I had to lose SOMETHING.
Bran's choice was smell and Trevor chose sound. I wasn't surprised by either.
Those are both areas for each of them that have been rather acute. Trev hates loud noises or abrupt noises and Bran's been very sensitive to smells most of his life.
I need to remember to pose this question to Ryan, to see what his thoughts are. I always love conversations with Ry that make him think. I love the way his head works.
***
Okay, enough outletting of thoughts. Time to close the valve on my brain and get back to the schedule.
Happy weekend, all.
N.

12:57 p.m. - 2008-09-12

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