nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Pride tastes alot like crow

Pride tastes really horrible. How do I know? I swallowed mine whole and asked my family for help. I became a charity case.

The boys Boy Scout charter dues are overdue, final baseball signups are tomorrow and Saturday, my insurance is due on Saturday (as well as everything else I normally pay) and I still don't have a dryer that runs.

The money coming in tomorrow is not going to be able to cover all that. And after driving myself nutty trying to stretch everything so thin you can see through it, I caved. I called my aunt and asked her to help me pay for the boys Scouts and b-ball, under the stipulation that I'd pay her back. And that's all I wanted help with, even though she offered to help with more. I'm a big girl, and I need to take care of myself. I can cover the basics..it's the extras that are difficult. And it's about my sons.

I firmly believe that kids (boys especially) need to be involved in something, and kept involved in order to keep them out of trouble. I know, from watching my little brother, that if a boy hasn't an interest or something to keep him busy, he'll find something and usually that something isn't a good or productive thing. I'm not into scheduling every free second of every day, but sports are a good outlet for boys.

And honestly, it physically makes me ache to not be able to give them things like summer baseball, Scouts or school activities because it costs too much. I'm not talking about the best of everything here. I'm not talking about "keeping up with the Jones'". I'm talking about giving my sons a typical, ordinary childhood. And it shouldn't be their worry that we don't have money for things. That's my worry. That's on me.

I'm gifted in that my family has been so supportive and that I had someone to turn to. I'm thankful for that.

It doesn't make this pride of mine taste less bitter, though.

***

Tomorrow is going to be a madhouse day. I have lots to accomplish in the morning, before picking up both boys early and heading out to Trev's dr. appt. Then we'll be battling rush hour traffic out of Akron and heading home, hopefully in time to make it to YMCA night for the boys' school. I work days Saturday, will register the boys for ball during my lunch 1/2 hour. And at some point this weekend, my dryer will hopefully be repaired and then I have twelve tons of laundry to do.

High points? I have a job, get a paycheck, can pay my bills (for the most part), have wonderfully healthy and happy boys and I'm alive and living my life.

Even the hurts, bumps and ouchies remind me of that and remind me to be glad.

Happy Thursday.

N.

1:39 p.m. - 2004-02-26

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