nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high...

It seems like a lifetime since I've updated. Not much has happened in that "lifetime", however. Everyday activities to fill up my life and space.
Let's see...
My boys are hellbent on pushing me. They will both be attending the same detention tomorrow. Ryan got his because he stole candy from his teacher (insert huge, exasperated sigh right here). Trevor got his because he was peeved about pulling a card (their school's version of a warning) and threw an eraser at the table which then bounced up and popped some girl in the face. Granted, no one was hurt and it was fairly inconsequential but just because you're angry, you can't just throw things around!
His anger issues, or rather, his bad choices made when he's angry, are beginning to really get to me. I just don't know what to do to about them, don't know what's within the realm of norm or not. Admittedly, I can have a terrible temper but anyone around me can tell you that I have an iron control of it, for the most part. It's why they're all scared to see me lose it---because I hardly ever do and it's going to take alot to force that issue.
I'm going to mention it to my counselor on Thursday, see if she can point me in the right direction. God help me.
ThatCousin is heading up the M.0.D. thing in our area and the big old kickoff is tomorrow. She's really been pushing for me to attend but it's a school night and it's going to be fairly late in the evening. I don't have anyone to come stay with the boys and as much as I'd like to give her moral support, my first priority is my sons. She's not going to be happy. She's been snippy as it is, because she feels that no one is being supportive of her efforts and it's all because (can you guess?)...she thinks it's because we're all jealous.
Right.
***
Most of today, these beautiful, fluffy flakes have been drifting slowly down from the sky. It's resulted in the most ethereal and almost unreal looking layers of snow blanketing everything. It's the kind of snow that they sell at Christmastime, by the roll, for the village scenes everyone seems to have. Incredibly soft and glittering with this glass-like gleam...it's just gorgeous. GracieDog decided it would be a great night to go out and frolic in the cold stuff and I had a heck of a time dragging her back inside and out of it!
***
I'm still incredibly tired. I know alot of it is based on my emotional status right now and while I'm trying to keep up a proper front for the boy-o's, I have to be truthful and say that I'm still really beat up. I feel bruised. Still. It's been nearly a month and I'm trying, with everything inside me, to step beyond this, to not be stuck in this moment and this pain. It's just not so easy. Forgiving myself is one of the hardest things. I still don't get how I didn't see it. Or maybe I did and just didn't WANT to. That stings, too.
I still haven't told much of anyone. I don't want to hear the I-told-you-so's or feel the weight of a pitying gaze hovering over me. I just don't need that. I need to deal with it, get over it and get on with it.
Why can't it be that easy?
I hate sounding like such a whiny ass, hate that it seems like all of my entries anymore reflect this bleak pool I'm drowning in...that might be why they've been so sporadic of late.
I'm sorry. I'll work on it.
***
N.

9:07 p.m. - 2006-02-27

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