nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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broken

I've tried writing here more times than I can even count now but haven't. Some of it is because I feel like the only time I come back to actually update my Dland account is when there's something not going right in my life. This used to be a joyful space for me and it's not anymore. I can't seem to catch hold again, it's slipped my grasp that soundly.
Things are a train wreck in my life and I don't mean that lightly.
I'm stressed out beyond belief and I don't see it letting up anytime soon.
So many things, so many backstories that I haven't kept up.
Positives: I have a new baby niece, Kira. She was born 3 weeks ago.
I've gotten to spend some time with her and with her older sister Tenille. They're both such bright lights in my dark sky right now.
The boys are doing well, for the most part. Bran has been into tennis and loving it. Trev just finished up with choir and is doing fairly well, although he'll be 13 on Monday and I can already tell he's going to be a trying teen. Ry has been assessed and placed in the gifted program. He's the only 6th grader in our school who's taking 9th grade algebra next year (his 7th grade year) and getting high school credit for it. In fact, after re-assessing him, I was informed that he's gifted in ALL areas and will most likely be put in a more rigorous academic program next year.
Scary stuff but mainly good.
I love my boys.
I've gotten our garden in.
My lilacs are blooming.
My time in PTO is nearing an end!
Negatives: my family is imploding. My younger brother is in jail again, this time facing felony charges for an involvement he had with a drama queen that got completely out of control (his AND her fault). My mother was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and has to go to Cleveland to see a specialist on Monday of next week (Trev's bday). I can't handle the guilt I'll feel if I let her go alone so I'm going with.
My grandfather is having an affair (I think) with the home health aide that comes in on the days I'm not there. He thinks they're having an affair and while she denies it, she's always going out to eat, etc with him. My aunts don't seem to think this is harmful but I can't shake the feeling that she's preying on him.
I get to take Grandpa's dog to be put down next week because no one else in my family wants to be the bad guy.
I'm involved with a man who I'm pretty certain is cheating on me. There was an interesting phone call on my home phone today that just isn't adding up.
I don't understand why I can't just be good enough. What is it about me that isn't ever enough for anyone?!?!
I've gotten laid off again and am trying like hell to find a new job, to no avail.
All in all, Life is kicking me more than a little right now and I'd like to just give it a kick back.
See? Again with the whining in the diary.
I just don't have anyone else to talk to. Not a soul. I can't sleep tonight, too much rumbling around in my head, too much I just can't seem to let go of tonight and even if it were 3 in the afternoon, there's no one to talk to.
Again, with the isolation.
I have acquaintances but no one I've let close enough to be an actual friend, really.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why do I have such a complex about being the rock? Why can't I ever just lean on someone? Besides the obvious fact that I don't have anyone TO lean on...I don't know if I could allow it, even if I did.
I'm afraid if I opened up completely to someone, once they saw all the ick inside, they'd run screaming in the opposite direction. I'm scarred inside and all the counseling I've put myself through can't change that.
How do I talk to my family when they're so buried in their own issues? How do I talk to my extended family without feeling like I'm unloading on them or as if I should just suck it up because it's the bed I've made and I should just snuggle in? How do I talk to people from PTO who know me as sunny, cheerful, upbeat Nix? How do I let someone see that my heart is breaking into a million pieces right now and I don't know how to superglue them all back together again?
Isolation so thick you couldn't cut it with a chainsaw. I've built up these walls and instead of protecting me, they're suffocating me.
I'm such a coward. Let's be honest, right? If you thought someone you cared for deeply was cheating on you, you'd dump them in a heartbeat right?
Why can't I just do that? How do I let him twist my head around until he has me believing it's all just my own neurosis? I'm not crazy, I'm not making it up, I didn't invite this woman into my life. And yet, I'm the one who's apologizing, I'm the one crying, I'm the one feeling like I did something wrong by confronting him.
Sick. Wrong. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I don't have the strength. There's too much else I'm trying to focus on and one person can only be stretched so thin.
I'm there, folks. I'm at my breaking point. I'm tired and hurting. Will that go away by calling it quits? Is this in my imagination, really? How can I distrust myself SO MUCH?!
I hate feeling like this. I don't even recognize ME anymore in this mess.

Or will it hurt even more?

11:28 p.m. - 2009-05-07

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