nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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After midnight.....

After midnight..we're gonna let it all hang down...

It's almost 12:30 am. I'm still slightly wired from work but I'm sleepy too, so if this makes next to no sense, that's why.

It's cool enough that I've got the shivers from having my bedroom window open..but closing it seems like sacrilege. Today was glorious. So bright and warm..perfection at a glance.If it's possible to love a weather pattern, I do.

And so I'll sit here, shivery, goosebumps coming and going, just on a principle. Perfect weather for curling into bed, window still open, sharing time and breath and space with someone. Even just a friendly someone. Could be done fully clothed...or at least in shorts and tees. Back in the day, when I was younger but not carefree, my best friend and I would spend hours, outstretched on our backs, my head snuggled into an alcove formed by bent arms over head, lying in the dark and black, sharing time.

And that's truly all we were...friends. And such friends that we could say anything to one another. And everything. And I knew where I stood. And I miss that. He's moved now, onto a girl who doesn't like the idea of a platonic palship, and freaks at the idea of shared dark time. And so he's moved away from me.

In the midst of family, in the midst of friends, I'm lonely. I miss having someone who knows me better than I know myself..I miss stupid little things like complete silence that feels comfortable instead of stilted..and wearing clothes that aren't mine..sharing a thought without words and knowing that you'll never step further ahead than friendship..and being ok with that.

I'm a physical person, known to be very affectionate with people I like and care for, and it's not a come on when I brush hair back from eyes, or rub fingers over day-old scruff. It's affection. And although I get lots with my sons, little boy hugs abounding, it's not quite the same. Not less, but not the same. D'ya know what I mean?

*sigh*

A woman I know is getting married in June, knowing it's the wrong thing but doing it anyway. That's the depth of her loneliness. Maybe I just need a dog.

K. Shivers are outnumbering proper muscle control so I'm off to bed now. Sleep well, all. Sweet dreams.

N.

12:17 a.m. - 2003-04-04

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