nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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My mother's birthday.

Today is my mother's birthday.

I called to leave her a message, to wish her a happy birthday and let her know that I was thinking of her.

I know that she'll spend today in the way that she does regularly, getting completely smashed. Being her birthday only gives her a larger excuse and justification.

That's why, even if I weren't going to calling hours and working, I wouldn't be venturing to her house to give her birthday wishes.

I wrestled with this quite a bit in the last couple days, primarily because I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to fit all my pieces together, and to find a happy medium for all the people in my life. And also because I know that she won't be around forever.

I put a card in the mail (should be delivered today). I just don't want to see her drunk. And I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to turn 51 in whatever form she likes, I'm saying I've seen more than my share of her soaked in alcohol and I don't really want to see alot more.

I also don't want to hate her forever. I love her. She's my mother, and with everything she's been through in her life, the fact that she's made it to 51 alive is amazing to me.

I want her to enjoy her birthday, and to feel special on it. Everyone deserves at least one day where they rock the world. She deserves that as much as anyone. And therefore the best gift I can give her today is my absence. Even when being non-confrontational and keeping to myself and trying like mad to pretend it's all peachy, my presence pricks her, especially when she's been drinking. I don't know if it's her conscience, or if it's because she knows how strongly I feel about her lifestyle choices. We just always seem to butt heads.

Matter solved, I'll just go to Char's father's calling hours, show some support there, and then trundle off to work.

There's an irony to that as well. I look at Char's situation, knowing how incredibly close she was to her father and how close her entire family is, and I know that right now is a terrible time for them. And down deep I feel like I should try harder to make my own family more...whole. Like I haven't tried hard enough, and then I tell myself that I can't be responsible for the rest of the family's choices and that as much as I'd love to have a family unit like Char's, it's just not going to happen. And then I look at my sons and I know how hard I have to work

to not make that same mistake with them. I try to give them the best of my relatives that I can and still shield them from the problematic sides. And they will know, every minute of every day, that they are loved, and the most important thing in the world to me, and that no matter what else happens in my life, I am always here for them.

So today is my mother's birthday. She turns 51, and will be surrounded not by her family but by her drinking pals and her alcohol. Happy Birthday, Mom.

N.

10:50 a.m. - 2003-07-23

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