nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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Good thing I'm a rough and tumble gal

Nope, that's not some mad crazy Morse Coder going to town, that's my teeth a-chatterin'. Here in BumFlooeyOhio it's in the negatives with wind chill and I can feel every gust of wind making it's way in the cracks and crevices of my house. We're hunkering down, waiting to see what this latest clipper brings us in the way of snow and foul weather patterns. I'm really hoping it's not too severe as I'd like to be able to get home from work tomorrow. I'm pulling the 10a-6p shift and not looking forward to staring out the window, watching Mother Nature create interesting road conditions for me to muddle through on the way home.
I'm happy to report that Ry-Guy's head is almost normal as far as swelling and he has minimal bruising after his WWF moves from yesternight. No lasting effects, other than a lesson learned. Turkey.
Today was a tough one. I did something that was demeaning and demoralizing and pretty well sucked. I didn't do it because I wanted to--I did it because I have no other choice or option at this point. I hated every minute of it.
Do you know what it's like to be self-sufficient and then realize, after God only knows how many years, that you can't do it right now, not without help? Do you know what it's like to do everything you possibly can and know how to do and still not be able to stretch things any further without them breaking? Do you know how ashamed and low a person can feel when they wake up and come to the conclusion that everything they're doing still isn't enough? I'm at this point now. I can't cover everything I need to. And it sucks in ways that aren't describable.
My sons need to be able to go to doctors when they need to. They need to stay healthy. They need to eat more than I'm able to provide on my incredibly shitty income. And there isn't much out there right now. Slim pickin's, folks. I've applied for everything job-wise that's floating 'round, even things I know I'm not especially qualified for, hoping against hope that I'll get a bite somewhere. Going out of town is my next option. I have tried to stay local because my sons need me to be. If one of them gets sick at school, or injured, I need to be accessible. And honestly, with as much as gas is costing, it might not be worth it to go out of town unless I'm making bigger bucks. Factor in there a babysitter for even just a bit afterschool or before school and it nearly cancels out any pay I'd receive.
This just sucks. Government offices, I've realized today, aren't people-friendly. There isn't anything in their design to comfort someone who's literally in tears at the thought of asking for a handout. There isn't anything inside the shell there that reminds you that you've paid in and that sometimes it's okay to ask for help in return. There's not one thing that reminds you that others have had to do this too and that things will get better. I swear these offices are created by someone who's heart turned to concrete eons ago and who's pride and ego are burst-proof.
Because I left there, in tears and feeling lower than I have in quite some time. It's a blow to my pride that I can't take care of the things I need to take care of, after I've managed to get by for as long as I have. It's a blow I take to heart. Independence is a good thing, a necessary thing for me. Something's got to give.
Today was a tough one. Here's hoping tomorrow goes better. Someone tell the Job Fairy to get her ass in gear P.D.Q.
Happy Friday night. Be safe this weekend and thank whatever entity you do for the blessings you've got.
N.

11:20 p.m. - 2005-01-21

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