nixtress's Diaryland Diary



Well, hello there.
I know, it's been a long time, hasn't it? And still...there are so many things that haven't changed, not really.
The older I get, the more I realize that Life really IS like a river, with rapids and calms, hidden rocks beneath glassy surfaces, continuing to flow regardless of much of anything.
Let's see, what needs updated...
The Boys:
Bran will be 17 next month. My first baby, midway through his junior year of high school. It's funny how he's so much like me and in the same breath, still so much like his father. He's had his permit for ages now but HATES driving. Like I was at his age, he's petrified of the responsibility of driving and is convinced he's going to kill someone. So, he likes the IDEA of having a license but not so much the reality of it. I have no problem with that. I remember feeling the exact same way. I'd much rather he feel confident in himself before he's out running the roads than try to push him into something he's not ready for. I get him out driving and let him practice his skills but he'll get his license when he's ready. This does NOT please his father or StepBeast but he's old enough now to deal with that as he sees fit.
Trev is doing...okay. He's really grown socially but we have our struggles about academics, not because he isn't capable of fantastic grades but because he doesn't see much need to overachieve. Trev's content with a C average. He continues to voice that he may or may not go to college and that he's thinking (at 14, almost 15) that he'll join the military. In some ways, I can see that for him and others, not so much. I guess time will tell.
Ryan is...Ryan. He's scary smart, spends the first part of his days at the high school taking 10th grade geometry (he's in 8th grade). Cross Country has been a real outlet for him and I think he's entertaining the thought of joining Track this Spring as well.
They're all healthy and whole, my heart still walking outside my body.
My little nieces:
Taneil is so smart! She's 4 now and started preschool. She's such a solemn little serious soul. Too grown up for her small body and while I know some of that is just her personality, some of it is due to the things she's seen in her very young life. I'd still like to kick my brother's ass for that.
T is precocious and obsessed with all things dinosaur.
Kira is 2 and sunshine walking. She just doesn't know the meaning of a bad day. She's funny and smart and growing up so very quickly. Tries so hard to be a big girl like her sis...and yet, she's the middle one now.
Baby Lilly was born just a few months ago. Technically, she's not my niece by blood but I sort of figure if I'm taking two, what's a third? My heart has room for all three and really, it just makes things easier all the way around. No hurt feeling this way! :) unless you count my brother's and I'm not. Mean, hmm?
BrotherBob got out of prison before Christmas. He stayed in a men's shelter for a few weeks then hitched a ride back to Florida with our stepbrother and there he's been since. As far as I know he's not working and is basically just living off our stepbrother. I hope for better things and choices for him but it's his life and he'll make it or break it as he's wont to. He's a big boy and needs to face the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately, one of those cons is a diminished relationship with his daughters, and that also impacts them. I'm hoping against hope that their mother's new man will continue to be a source of stability and love for them. He seems to care for them greatly and with the addition of Baby Lilly, they've come full circle as a family unit.
My mother:
Her health continues to be iffy. She's been sick a lot but still refuses to pursue treatment for her Hep C. I don't know if it's a money thing (she has insurance) or if she's afraid but I can see her health slipping away. It's not pretty.
He was doing really well for quite awhile but in recent months has slid downhill. He's very confused and altered, spent a month in a nursing home because of that disorientation and was let loose a month ago. Last week, I went in and he was sitting in his living room completely naked. After getting him dressed and talking to him a bit (convincing him that he WAS in his apartment) I got him settled back into bed. 20 minutes later my aunt called because he'd pushed his "I've fallen and I can't get up" button and a squad was taking him to the ER. He'd apparently gotten up and taken his clothes off again and in the midst of it, fallen. He dislocated AND broke his shoulder so will be spending another month in the nursing home doing rehab. That doesn't seem to agree with him so I'm sure we'll battle about it. My gut tells me it won't be long before that's his permanent home. He's just losing his bits and pieces too much, too frequently anymore. Makes me sad. He's my last living grandparent.
We had to put Peanut down just a few months after we got him. He had something called Megaesophagus, which caused him to not be able to digest his food and he got so sickly thin and had problems with vomiting. It was awful. He had an episode of aspirating after vomiting and after an emergency trip to the vet(after weeks of trial-and-error feedings, etc) we opted to put our sweet boy down. I miss him daily. He may have been Ry's pup but he was my little sweetie. Freya-Cat died last year at this time. Nearly broke my heart into a bazillion pieces. Sam-Cat is our next to go, I think. He's old and tired and not looking so good. He still loves his lovin's though. Wraith is her demented little self. Reese-dog is my faithful pal. And 6 months ago, my only friend from high school brought a Dorkie (half dachsund, half yorkie) pup to us.
Her name is Molly (we call her Molly McButter) and she's a livewire. Funny little thing, with a weiner dog body and yorkie fur, all short legs and crazy hair and energy that could launch a shuttle to the moon. She makes us laugh, which is a much needed thing now-a-days. Love her :)
I' Still muddling through, struggling along, looking to the future that's looming. 4 years and I'll have all of my children graduated. I turn 36 next month. Thirty-frickin'-SIX! I'm putting my "puzzle" together with new pieces lately, trying to find a good fit for when the boys won't be here anymore. I've spent so much of my life tied up in them that I've lost touch with "me". So that's my journey, at this point. Redefining Nix. I've begun losing weight, going to Zumba classes (schedule permitting!) three times a week at the Y and loving it. It's hard, this whole process of re-invention but maybe with baby steps, I'll find my way.
Much love to all,

7:21 p.m. - 2011-02-05


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