nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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My brother K. tried to die today.

I fully intended to add in all the funny little happenings from last night, the first night in over a year that I drank until I felt it. I had fully intended to be back to my nice and semi-normal self, full of Boy-stories and life in N-land. However, today was a really rough day for me. And those things will have to wait for another day. Today, while at work, I had something happen that for the first time ever made me think I was in the wrong line of work, especially for the type of family I've got.

Dispatch sent out a call today, of a possible code 58, also known as a possible suicide. And directly after dispatching officers to the scene, they handed out a few details--one of them being my older brother K.'s name. I sat at my desk for a minute, thinking I'd surely heard wrong, trying to breathe, and then snatched the phone from it's rest and dialed our dispatcher. It seemed my troubled brother had broken up with his gf several days ago, and having gone on a drinking binge last night for the first time in almost a year (can it be coincidence?) he went home, depressed. He sat in his living room with a loaded gun and then decided that would make too much noise. And then he carved his wrists like Christmas hams.

Dispatch said that he'd called his now ex-gf and explained how very sorry he was for everything that had happened with them and that she wouldn't be bothered by him anymore. Knowing his history (bipolarity, numerous suicide attempts), she called the police.

And I'm sitting in my seat at work, feeling like it's all surreal and not happening. I'm sitting there, babbling a million miles a minute at our dispatcher, trying to explain his past medical history and how they have to hurry because it might be too late. I'm trying to tell her his phone number and his SSN and all the important and at the same time unnecessary things I think she needs to know.

And in her faraway voice, over a radio that holds no privacy and holds no emotion, she asks the officer on scene to go to the tac channel. She informs him that I'm his sister, that she has me on the line in case...just in case.

And I sat there and I didn't even pray, it was almost like someone hit me with a board and completely knocked all cognitive thought out of my head. And my chest hurt and my stomach hurt and I thought I was going to pass out, I really thought I was going to be sick.

And then they said he was alive. And I could breathe again.

My brother K. tried to kill himself today, because he felt like he'd ruined his life. Because, at almost 34, he thought he was a failure. Because he feels like everything he touches turns to ash and crumbles. Because he has himself convinced that he doesn't deserve to be happy. My brother K., who is the most talented artist I've ever met and has the face of an angel,who taught me how to build treehouses and climb trees, who beat up a boy once for stealing my bicycle, and who is one of the most stubborn and narcissistic people I know, gave up and decided that he wasn't worthy of life anymore today, and tried to fix that.

I called my mother and left several messages. And when I finally spoke to her,she said she'd known he was depressed, that he had come over and told her about the break up. She said she didn't have alot of time to talk as she'd made dinner plans with her boyfriend and that if I talked to K. again, to keep her informed. She said she'd been planning on this dinner all week and wasn't about to break her plans.

What kind of mother does that? When their child, regardless of age, does something like K. did today, what kind of mother acts like it's akin to running out of butter and substituting with margarine? What the fuck is wrong with this family?

It rips my heart out. I've tried so hard, from the time I was a kid, to keep us all together, to be the mortar for this steadily disintegrating wall. And I can't do it anymore. I've tried the whole distancing thing, I've tried to keep a healthy perspective. It's not working.

I love my brother,and while we may not be attached at the hip, we're still attached at the heart and part of me hurts so much to see him feeling this way. Part of me dies to see him think so little of himself. And part of me is so angry and so frustrated by his lack of understanding of the damage he does to all of us each time he does this. And I wonder if he knows how selfish he is to do this not only to himself but also to us. To me. These conflicting feelings are like having a civil war inside me and it's awful...and I feel selfish myself because this isn't about me, it's about him.

He's been evaluated and they're admitting him to a local psychiatric hospital tonight. I don't know how long he'll be there. I'm just glad he is.

Someone said to me that perhaps the reason my mother deals with it this way is because she's not far removed herself. And maybe because she's hardened her heart to it.

I can't even fathom that, to be honest. I can't understand how a mother could set her kid, even an adult one, on a shelf while she has dinner, and pretend she's straight out of Leave it to Beaver. How can she do that?

And I wish someone could tell me how to keep this from happening with my sons, how to not pass down whatever it is that makes my family like this. Is it because it's so dysfunctional? Is it a chemical imbalance? I'm afraid for them. If it's a chemical thing, how can I protect them from themselves?

And I'm sad because while I hate certain aspects of being a part of this family, all of my life and all of my memories are still so wrapped up with all of them. They are what made me who I am. And I can rant against it, and still, I have to be grateful, right? Because I'm a stronger person for it?

My heart is a raw and aching mess right now, my head hurts too, and still I know, somewhere inside myself that it'll be okay. That I'll be okay. And that's a comfort.

My cousin Amy is keeping the boys overnight, since I have to be at work at 7 a.m. And in light of today's events, she felt it would be better for them and for me to allow me some space this evening. I think she might have been right.

Sleep well tonight. Remember to tell those you love how very MUCH you love them, make them feel their worth to you. Help them to know that even when they're at their lowest, you're there to dig them out.

N.

7:14 p.m. - 2003-09-06

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