nixtress's Diaryland Diary

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I'm a glum little monster drowning in internal debate

I'm feeling all kinds of lost tonight, all because of a cruddy conversation with my cousin.

On and on she went, about being out and how being around people made her feel like she was getting back in touch with her "real self" again, how it made her feel alive again. How gratifying it was to be shown she had "mojo" still, how it put her back in a more positive mindframe, made her feel she was a real person again.

And she didn't only apply those sentiments to herself--she applied them to me as well.

Apparently, my family in general feels I've become some sort of hermit, that I've lost touch with the "real" me and that I act old because I'm allowing myself to be that way.

I'm sort of confused now. In my life and in my choices, I'm just wanting to be someone I can live with, and someone who's doing the right thing for not only myself, but also for my children.

And in some ways, on some days, I agree with them. I feel so...old sometimes. Day by day, I lose small parts of myself but that's because I allow it to happen, right? How do you find a happy and healthy balance between what's the right thing to do and what also makes an individual exactly that..an individual?

I miss the me that I used to be. I've never been carefree to the nth degree, but I've had my moments of being as close to that as I'm able. I've always had responsibility but in the past managed to balance that with the goofy and fun-loving gal inside me. It's not escaped my notice that the balance is being tipped in favor of the ultra-responsible, weighted down and definitely aging part of me.

I don't think doing what my cousin is advising is going to help me in any important ways, though. I already know that I come from a history of people with addictive personalities, and I know, deep down, that I have a huge possibility to lean in that direction as well. And aside from my occasional social drinking, I've generally tended to avoid those leanings as much as possible. Perhaps it's because I fear a loss of control, or perhaps it's wisdom. Whatever the reason, I can't see how drinking more regularly, or spending larger amounts of time out or around people who think drinking regularly is a good thing will "lighten me up". Honestly, in those situations, I end up taking care of everyone. I mother the sad ones, tend to the drunk ones, etc. and that's not a role I really care to re-enter.

Yet, I find myself in the curious space where I know that I'm losing touch with that which makes me..me. I'm becoming mired in the everyday momness and adult behaviors that I've come to define myself with. And I don't know how to merge more of my lighter side back into that whole picture without feeling not only extremely guilty and selfish, but irresponsible. Maybe my problem is that I really have become the anally retentive control freak people keep accusing me of being...

I'm 28. And besides my boys, I can't say I have alot of joy. I have my moments. Hell, I even have my days. Largely I have a pervasive feeling of being lost in a dark, dark maze, following shards of light that I'm not sure are leading me in to the path of enlightment and freedom.

Bottom line? I'm feeling old and lost and alone and really unsure how to make it better without losing everything I've gained.

I can keep on as I've been, shelving the yuck when it arises, muddling my way through it and justifying to myself why I'm doing the right thing, all the while hoping it really is the right thing. Or I can face it head on and pick it apart and try something new.

Maybe it's just that I'm afraid. Maybe that's what's at the core of it all.

"...Don't look back

Keep your head held high

Don't ask them why

Because life is short

And before you know

You're feeling old

And your heart is breaking..."

---Madonna

***

It's Sunday, beginning of a new week. I worked for the first time with the new girl who shares my given first name (just spelled a little different). First impression? She's a typical 20 year old. She'll have lots and lots of fun flirting her ass off with the officers.

My brother B. stopped in today. He and his girlfriend Nicole have gotten engaged, but have chosen (wisely) to put it off for a bit to make sure not only that they're financially more stable, but that it's truly what they want. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming, proud to see that he's using the sense inside that I knew he had.

***

N.

9:28 p.m. - 2003-11-02

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